13.03.10 Teaching time: 1.5 hr; Personal Practice: day off
14.03.10 Assisting time: 1 hr; Meditation: 30 mins; Personal Practice: 20 mins
I taught a class I felt really proud of yesterday. Which is probably something that a yoga teacher shouldn't feel. But I felt like the class went really well, and I felt like I was in tune with participants and challenged and pushed as appropriate. Maybe instead of "proud" I should say that we shared a rewarding practice.
Then I assisted Martine today. After watching a few of the people in her class as I was assisting, though, I felt that old feeling of jealousy creeping up. I noticed it as I felt it arising. I tried to determine whether I was really jealous, or whether I was just admiring the students. I decided it was admiration. But then, later that afternoon, I felt the urge to practice a few of the things that I saw others doing so well today; I felt the need to improve on some of my poses.
After working toward dropbacks, handstands, and headstand options, I laid in savasana. Reflecting on my practice, I felt angry at myself for practicing things because of jealousy. I felt like I shouldn't have let the jealousy get to me the way that it did.
Reflecting on my practice now, though, I can also recognize that other people probably feel some amount of jealousy when watching me teach or in classes I participate in. I know everyone has different strengths in their practices, that everyone's practice is constantly evolving, and that it doesn't make sense to compare my practice to anyone else's. So I've decided to be unjealous. From here on out. And to let my practice evolve in its own right.
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