24-31.03.10 Sisterly

24th: 45 mins with sister; 25th: off; 26th: 35 mins with sister; 27th: 90 mins class with sister and Martine; 28th: 30 mins; 29th: 30 mins with sister on beach; 30th: 30 mins with sister and 20 mins alone, cardio day off; 31st: 20 mins

Ahhhhhhh! I feel very overwhelmed. I have so much to write about from the last week of yoga. Since Shayna and I were packing every day full of sisterly bonding, I didn't have a chance to blog about what was going on; I really missed the blogging aspect of my practice because it allows me that extra period of reflection. Over the past week several amazing yogic events occurred: I helped Shayna do her first yoga headstand and handstand, I broke my walk up & down the wall wheel, I practiced yoga in beautiful places and with beautiful people (SEE PHOTOS OF SISTER AND I!!), and I was able to turn to my practice when I felt anxious and upset about Shayna leaving.

Shayna and I practiced yoga yesterday morning before I had to take her to the airport. We spent half an hour practicing and ended in savasana. I talked us through a meditation where I had us visualizing our spirits hovering above our bodies, reaching out through time and space, across oceans and mountains. After we completed our practice, we came to a seated position where I immediately began crying. We then talked about practicing yoga together over skype, or by practicing at the same time in different hemispheres. Knowing that these things were possible gave me the strength I needed to take her to the airport.

However, the rest of the day was pretty difficult. I had trouble concentrating on work; I didn't have the energy to go to the gym (shock!!); and I felt lifeless and lackadaisical all evening. As I was nearing my bedtime, I got up and started a short but energetic yoga practice. I needed to sweep out some of the emotions that had been building throughout the day, and exhaust myself into sleep.

Today I found myself feeling Shayna's absence everywhere. I felt stressed being back at work and panicked about getting to everything I wanted to do today. After going to the gym tonight, I attacked my practice in the same way I did last night--with zeal and vigor. I spent time clearing the cobwebs out of my head.

Now I find myself enjoying the time of reflection of the past week and reliving my sister experiences. Missing her still, but enjoying the memories and feeling her presence in my home and my soul.

21-23.03.10 Ignoring and its Consequences

21.03.10 Yoga Time: 30 minutes with sister in park
22.03.10 Yoga Time: 30 minutes
23.03.10 Yoga Time: 25 minutes + 15 minutes adjusting on sister

Walking through the Blue Mountains is exhausting; especially when I haven't walked for 6 weeks. I realized over the past two days that my calves have been very underused over the past 6 weeks. Even though I've tried to remain active, my calves just aren't used to walking. After arriving home from the Blue Mtns today, I used my yoga to focus on stretching my legs and relaxing my ankle and foot. Shayna was also sore, so after I practiced, I assisted her in some leg-stretching asanas before dinner.

My practice has been going well over the past few days, and the visit with sister is amazing. However, I have had a lot of trouble dealing with the calf soreness yesterday and today. I've noticed that my mood has been profoundly affected by this minor frustration. After spending time meditating on it after my asana practice, I came to the following: 1. I expected to be able to walk without hesitation after 6 weeks on crutches, and 2. I expected that if anything would be sore, it would be my foot. I can recognize that these may not have been realistic expectations. However, the discrepancy between these expectations and my sore calves is harsh. I suppose it is a reminder that I need to take things slowly and experience my body as it is; to stop ignoring things that I'm feeling and tune in.

My goal for tomorrow is to listen.

18-20.03.10 Welcoming Sister

18.03.10 60 minutes with Martine
19.03.10 25 minutes
20.03.10 25 minutes with Sister

I've been preparing for my sister to arrive since I found out she was coming a few weeks ago, but I have been really prepping the past two days. I have been so excited, but I have also been very anxious. I wanted Shayna's trip to go well, I wanted her to feel rested when she arrived, I wanted to make sure that she felt comfortable and had fun while here, and I wanted my foot to be healed so that we could hike and explore Sydney. Even though I wanted nothing more than to see her, I was anxious about so many things.

On Thursday and Friday I was doing little things around the house to prep for her arrival while trying to accomplish a lot of work so that I could relax over my week off next week. My yoga practice over the past two days was distracted but powerful. I didn't feel really connected to it, but I was aiming a lot of energy into it. I felt strong throughout my practice, but a little off balance at times.

This morning we picked Shayna up. Everything went smoothly, and we ended up having a beautiful day. Shayna practiced yoga with me this evening before dinner, and we spent some time exploring a few yoga asanas together. I felt more relaxed than I had in a while, and I began to ease into the practice and enjoy seeing my sister there next to me. Like the practice I shared with Natalie a few days ago, I enjoyed the role of teacher-participant. It is one of guidance-- but in a more casual and personal way; it is sharing a part of myself with someone who is important to me. Sharing my personal practice with people that I'm really close to feels very intimate to me, and I look forward to practicing with Sister several times over the next week.

16-17.03.10 Reflecting on Yogic Life

16.03.10, Tuesday: 90 mins Guided Class
17.03.10, Wednesday: 75 min personal practice with a friend

Last night I practiced at my favorite studio (bodymindlife--Rozelle). I especially liked it because there were 2-3 people assisting in the class. I haven't taken a class that had an assistant in it since I've begun assisting in Martine's classes. It was nice to experience the assisting from the other side of the class. I didn't focus much on the assistants, since I was practicing, but I did tune into them a few times to notice how they touched participants during the sun salutes. Since I always feel uncomfortable touching people during those, I watched to see what they did. (They walked around and gently touched heads or caressed spines.) Something else that I realized throughout the class was how little I noticed them (even though I was trying to pay some attention to what they were doing). This actually reassured me that I am probably not as intrusive as I sometimes feel while walking around a class.

Today I wanted to share my yoga practice, and so I talked aloud through my personal practice with a friend, Natalie. I didn't focus on her practice, because I wasn't really teaching her; I was practicing with her. It was really enjoyable to just share my time on the mat with a close friend. I noticed that the time flew by. We had 75 minutes until we needed to move on with our evenings, but it seemed to me that we only spent a few minutes on the mat. When I checked the time part way through our practice, I was shocked at how much time had passed. I think that the time seemed to go especially quickly because of the positive energy I felt radiating between Nat and I.

Last night I spent time reflecting on my yoga practice and how I've been feeling lately. The conclusion that I came to was that I am not feeling yogically balanced in how I am living my life. Nothing specific sparked this feeling; rather, I observed the critical lens through which I typically view the world. I often analyze people, including myself, and judge them (& myself) harshly. I don't often do anything with this judgement but hold it in my head. Last night I recognized that my act of judging is un-yogic. It hit a little hard; I felt like I had slammed into a wall. Having to continually hold all of these judgements is a heavy practice.

Tonight, reflecting back on that realization, I also see the harshness with which I judged myself for judging. And so I go back to the need to treat myself (and others) with kindness. Coming out of my practice with Natalie tonight, I felt light and uplifted. Through the practice with her, I was able to release some judging I had done throughout the day. I also paid special attention to not judge the practice: when I felt unstable in my attempts at headstand during our practice, I told myself to release the instant critical thoughts that arose. And, for the most part, I did.

Like all aspects of yoga, practice makes perfect.

15.03.10 My Edge: bared

Yoga Time: 20 mins
I read something from Yoga Journal today that I really connected with:

"The real measure of practice is whether, little by little, we can find our edge, that place where we're closed down in fear, and allow ourselves to experience it. This takes courage, but courage isn't about becoming fearless. Courage is the willingness to experience our fears. And as we experience our fears, courage grows. Noticing our edge and trying to meet it also allows us to develop compassion, not just for ourselves but for the whole human drama" (http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/932?utm_source=Wisdom&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=wis148).

I know that I have places inside that I ignore, push away, and refuse to deal with. Traditionally, my go-to coping mechanism has been avoidance. However, over the past couple of months, I have noticed that I'm not avoiding so many things. I'm actively tackling problems and talking through issues to find solutions. Or finding a place that I can be comfortable with something.

I can directly relate this courage in my life to my progression of headstands and in my attempts at handstands in my practice. And I think the only reason that I've reaped the benefits of practice in my daily life is because of the time for contemplation that I've been taking in the blog. I usually look forward to my practice, but sometimes I feel annoyed at having to write about it. But after sitting down and beginning to write, I often find that I have something important to say or to relate from my practice.

I realize that this meditation on my yoga is a necessary part of cultivating a daily practice that means something in my life. What good is finding an edge, or facing a fear, if there is no identification or reflection?

13-14.03.10 Jealous much?

13.03.10 Teaching time: 1.5 hr; Personal Practice: day off
14.03.10 Assisting time: 1 hr; Meditation: 30 mins; Personal Practice: 20 mins

I taught a class I felt really proud of yesterday. Which is probably something that a yoga teacher shouldn't feel. But I felt like the class went really well, and I felt like I was in tune with participants and challenged and pushed as appropriate. Maybe instead of "proud" I should say that we shared a rewarding practice.

Then I assisted Martine today. After watching a few of the people in her class as I was assisting, though, I felt that old feeling of jealousy creeping up. I noticed it as I felt it arising. I tried to determine whether I was really jealous, or whether I was just admiring the students. I decided it was admiration. But then, later that afternoon, I felt the urge to practice a few of the things that I saw others doing so well today; I felt the need to improve on some of my poses.

After working toward dropbacks, handstands, and headstand options, I laid in savasana. Reflecting on my practice, I felt angry at myself for practicing things because of jealousy. I felt like I shouldn't have let the jealousy get to me the way that it did.

Reflecting on my practice now, though, I can also recognize that other people probably feel some amount of jealousy when watching me teach or in classes I participate in. I know everyone has different strengths in their practices, that everyone's practice is constantly evolving, and that it doesn't make sense to compare my practice to anyone else's. So I've decided to be unjealous. From here on out. And to let my practice evolve in its own right.

12.03.10 Back

Yoga Time: 30 mins

After my yoga practice today, I spent a few minutes meditating. I practiced the meditation I taught last Sunday: the one where the senses are cut off from the outside work by focusing on 12 points up and down the body. I was amazed at the amount of concentration it took, and about how I lost sight/thought of everything else in the process. I ran up and down the points pretty quickly, and I felt exhausted afterward. After going up and down quickly about 4 times, I spent a few minutes just blissed out in savasana. My mind was completely still, and my body felt at ease.

Since yesterday was such a stressful day, I spent most of today recovering. I worked, but from home. I worked out hard--quieting and softening the intense thoughts in my head. I got my hair cut, and almost fell asleep while sitting in the chair. I think that the intense emotions of yesterday really hit me hard. After running through the meditation, it was like I was just... done. Then, when I got up from savasana, my whole body felt like jelly, and I felt like I was finally tuned back into my body. It took a lot of craziness, but here I am. I'm here; I'm back.