be bold

for some reason the word "bold" struck me today. i had read a blog post about the idea that the way that you tell "your story" shapes your life. the author mentioned that she was striving to tell her story in a bolder way. and i started thinking "would my story have a bold protagonist? would people describe me as bold? does pink hair equal bold? can i be bolder?"

one definition of bold is acting fearless. a course in miracles dichotomizes the world into fear and love. if we take that perspective, being fearless can be interpreted as living fully in love.

approaching difficult conversations, interactions, or situations with an attitude of love: BOLD.


i used to talk about "when i developed bulimia" before my lifecoach insisted i change it to "when i chose to start binging and purging." it took me a while to incorporate that language choice into my lexicon, but, when i did, it actually became easier to talk about. owning my behaviors put me in the protagonist's role: i was no longer a victim of circumstance; i was no longer "sick" or someone to be pitied; i was not blaming anything in my life on anyone else.

i hear people every day attribute their perceived failures, big or small, to outside circumstances. if we consistently think that our life outcomes are outside of our control, we are let off the hook of taking action. but if we recognize that we can take ownership over our pasts, of our decisions and choices, of where we are currently in our life, we can move forward boldly.

and the best part is that it is never too late to take that ownership. it is never too late to change your perspective on your story, or the way you convey it to other people. this week i had a first date with someone. during this date, i talked freely about my part in the ending of my marriage, among other things that could be interpreted as life-fails. my date listened to part of "my story" and then replied with "wow, i didn't expect to hear that; thank you for sharing that in such an honest way."

that whole marriage-ending story is one i haven't quite mastered all of the boldness in yet. i tend to say "when my husband left me" or "when my husband moved continents without telling me" because of the drama of these statements. but no one has never complimented me on those re-tellings. a few chuckles or embarrassed side-glances, perhaps, but nothing more.

the relationship stories can be some of the most challenging to own. because there is always another person there: there is always another person that can be blamed. so it can be difficult to take the words and actions that are ours within a relationship, and to own the effect they have on the outcomes. we have to let go of the hurts enough to release the want to blame the other person for the story's ending.

and sometimes we might not even know how we got to a relationship's ending. one of my friends recently blogged about the struggles of today's dating world. and believe me, i know. owning my story in unexplainable situations is very challenging--when i think that i have acted as a bold individual but feel that i have received fear in return, the boldness can feel worthless... but i think that knowing where relationship outcomes are not directly related to ourselves is also pretty bold.

i don't want to be let off the hook in any area of my life. i want to take ownership. the shift we can make and the power we create for ourselves through such boldness is impressive. we get to decide. we get to act. we get to create. we get to be the author. and fuck, i think that's all any of us want.

today, i choose to be bold.

forget what you think you need

"forget what you think you need" was advice from gabby's "crazy sexy miracles" talk last night. when she said it, i really heard it. because i realized that the night before, that's exactly what had needed to happen: i got an email from my husband saying that he filed for divorce, and i freaked out.

i. was. hysterical.

i spent the evening talking to a bunch of friends about how i was feeling and why. but i was still feeling weird about it the next day. until i heard gabby say "forget what you think you need."

i thought i needed to be in control of this situation: i thought i was going to file; i thought i was taking care of things; i thought i was going to be the adult here. when i got that email, a little piece of my reality changed.

what i thought i needed was to take care of this situation myself.
but i realized this was actually another little miracle.
sometimes blessings can be hard to receive.

this whole move has been an exercise in acceptance; in letting go of control; of forgiving myself and my friends for stepping on each other's toes (matt, anthony: i love you both and greatly respect your ability to forgive!). and that last one relates straight back to forgetting what you think you need.

gabby on forgiveness: 1) lose your shit and allow yourself to be in it; 2) choose to forgive, to see the situation differently; 3) let it gently lift as it is ready; and 4) what you need will be given to you when you are ready.

but only when you forget what you think you need can you be open to receiving what you REALLY need.

i need this divorce. and here it is, on its way.

so now i'm just working on trusting ALL of the seeds that i've been busy planting. we make all these little steps and decisions each day. they are steps toward where we are now. and where we are now is on our way to that next place--that next miracle. and we have to trust ourselves. and trust in the next miracle that's just around the corner.

anthony lost his wallet just before coming to meet me for the miracles talk. we spent a while on the phone searching the apartment with no luck. eventually anthony thought to check his work voicemail (since he had one of his business cards in his wallet). and--miracle--someone had found his wallet, handed it in to the local post office, and they had notified him that they had it. *miracle*

this morning i went to elena's yoga class. elena is my favorite of all yoga teachers, and my life coach. i'm used to stalking her internationally to make it to her yoga classes, or doing them online. i'm used to skyping with her in the wee hours of the morning sydney time. but today, i got to just walk in to her yoga class--because now i live in new york. while flowing during class, elena instructed us to dive forward, taking our arms through prayer position.

all of the sudden i remembered a line from one of her online yogaglo classes: "you can swan dive or take your arms through prayer; i usually take my arms through prayer--i'm a new yorker and i'm used to PACKED yoga rooms!" and, right there in the middle of her real-live yoga class, i started crying. i looked around the packed room and realized that was me now. i was a new yorker. *miracle*

so yeah, there are miracles all around us all the time. i'm living one. sometimes i just need to forget what i think i need in order to realize it.

my heart's voice is not a pipsqueak

quote and image from gabbyb, my #miraclesnow guru!

i had one of the most emotional weekends ever. and then i had the most emotional monday ever.  i don't think i need to, but let me just tell you: i'm an emotional girl... so that's really fucking saying something.  

after going to the energy healer last thursday, i had a lot of confrontation to face.  i had a lot of "speaking my truth" to do.  i had a lot of conversations that i had been avoiding to OWN UP and have.  and, as a result, i had a lot of unsettled feelings.

telling people things about myself, about my wants and needs, is strangely hard.  putting my needs first is something i've rarely done.  and when i have done it?  i feel like i've been punished for it.  

when i told someone that i needed more from them?  i was told i was selfish.  when i requested more from someone at work? i was told it was impossible.  when i put my needs first after my separation from my husband?  i was cut from most of our mutual friends' lives. when i was exploring my needs in those several months following? i've had my actions thrown in my face; repeatedly.  

so, yeah.  why would i bother to put my needs first?  oh. that's right.  i just paid $100 to be told why: because no one else does.

thursday i blogged about how great it felt to speak my truth; to be in my power; to be in control of my needs.  and then i had a hard conversation friday.  "i want more from you" i said.  "nope; not gonna happen" i heard.  and then i spent the rest of weekend trying to explore the unsettledness.  i thought i was supposed to feel good.  i thought i was detached from the outcome, and that i'd be glad i had said what i said.

hmmm.  well, i gave myself over to these feelings all weekend.  and what i came up with was that maybe i just hadn't expressed them well enough.  i started to say things, but i didn't finish them.  i hinted at things, but i didn't fully say them.  ok.  i guess this takes practice.

but what else have i noticed?  my handstands improved drastically this weekend. no wall? no problem.  weird.  speak your truth and internal confidence starts to bloom, even when you can't emotionally feel it yet. and, even though i still felt unsettled, i taught the theme in class tonight.  we practiced it in each pose: let go of the outcome (the final version of the asana); let your heart speak its truth (be fully shiny in your version of the pose); we practiced it for life: where can i let my heart's voice be louder?

my energy healer warned me that if i didn't practice speaking my truth more often, it would come out sounding squeaky and tiny when i used it.  (umm, has she HEARD my actual voice?!?!)  so.  i committed to more practicing.

and then tonight i had the most unexpected "i've been meaning to do this" conversation.  i was talking with a friend who didn't know my romantic history with her ex.  the whole reason and background to this is complicated.  and shitty.  but what i do know is that i have felt extremely uncomfortable with the current situation for quite a while.  i counted on him to have this hard conversation for me, because i thought it was important for him to do.  but guess what--that was putting his needs ahead of mine as well.  i allowed too much time for the conversation to occur, and i didn't ensure that everything had actually been truth-ed.

so while i still felt unsettled about the situation, i hadn't corrected it.  i had promised myself i wouldn't actively lie about it, but i secretly hoped no direct questions were asked of me.  but the friendship i was building was strong; and the hope of avoiding this truth was quickly diminishing.

tonight, after discussing the importance of speaking our truths, she asked about my dating life.  and, through some tears, i told her my truth.  i hated telling her: i didn't want to hurt her; i didn't want to betray him.  but, underneath everyone else's needs, were mine.  and i didn't want to live this way.  

i didn't want to hide things (umm, i'm TERRIBLE at hiding things in my life anyway #seemyeveryblogpost); i didn't want to threaten the reality of our friendship; i didn't want to continue to let someone else's mis-placed protection determine my actions.

so we talked.  i felt her pain.  i felt my grief.  i awaited berating words from everyone else involved.  i called my BFF and cried about all the potential lost relationships awaiting me in the next few days. i wrote a few emails to make sure people knew where i was coming from in this conversation, hoping for the best out of it all.

and then?  i felt at ease.  

i finally felt at ease.  

after this whirlwind of anxiety eating at my insides all weekend for not fully expressing myself, i had released my heart from its prison.  what's funny is it was un-intended.  i didn't mean to have this conversation.  i had been dreading how it would happen for weeks.  actually, months.  i didn't want to hurt people; i didn't want to anger people.  i bought into the idea that protection from truth was ok.  

even though my intuition YELLED at me when i tried to convince it of this, i ignored it.  and now? i can recognize that this fear/anxiety/self-doubt/shitty-feeling was actually my sub-conscious saying: this is not ok; do something about it.  

i'm sorry i didn't do it sooner.  but i'm also so fucking grateful i had the courage to do it tonight:  i'm certain of my friend's strength and power.  i'm glad we talked about it for her sake.  and for my sake.  and for the sake of the future of any friendships we hope to have. because no friendship or relationship can be built without that honesty--that real honesty from our own hearts and truths.

so the evidence is in: hard conversations are apparently now my thing.  i've got this.  and they're not (quite) so hard when you let go of what the outcomes are.  my conversation tonight stands to have me potentially risk two pretty important people in my life.  but--if i hadn't had the conversation?  neither of those relationships would be as authentic.  i have hopes about the outcomes, of course, but i can't spend my life worrying about them.  

and the only reason i would ever have such a hard conversation with someone is because i value them.

just like when kitty kat yells at me for not answering her straight away when she asks about something (knowing i'm weighing up everyone else's needs before answering), i am now listening to the internal screams that direct me.

"as you elevate your presence, you give other people the permission to do the same" gabby says. and i hope that's true too.  i hope everyone in class tonight; everyone reading this today; and especially everyone i've involved in my truth-telling finds the internal energy to glow a little brighter.  

don't be afraid to shine.  no one else will do it for you. 

addendum: i had a beautiful reply to this blog post from a friend that i hadn't spoken to in years. she's a dear friend who was feeling like she needed to keep quiet about something. but after reading this, she spoke up. i'm so proud of you B. you're a shining star in my galaxy. xoxo

energies

ok. so like i know my eating disorder has layers: layers that affect many areas of my life... like that actually affect my family, friendships, relationships, and career.

one of my best friends texts me and says: maybe you need to put some of this energy into your work.
i go late to a birthday party to squeeze in an extra workout.
i don't focus on a friend's conversation because i'm re-calculating the calories in my dinner.
i tell a friend i can't go out to dinner because i think the menu won't have anything healthy enough.
or, in my married life: my partner feels ignored and alone because i spend all of my free time at the gym.

and yet somehow i was able to mostly choose to ignore that i was allowing these things to happen. some of these things i've been starting to realize, but it wasn't clear until last night.

a friend and i were talking about the energy we put into things: into our work, into our relationships... and i asked her if she felt like our subtle shifts of energy were apparent to others in our life. like, when i make a conscious heart-felt decision, do the people that it affects feel it? i was arguing that they did (because i was feeling the energy being poured back into me after one of my conscious shifts). my friend said she agreed: she had noticed that after consciously choosing a small energy shift at work, a colleague commented and fed back to her the change. there we go: at least two pieces of evidence for people in our lives feeling the importance of where we place our energy.

and that's when it really hit me: umm, ok, so besides choosing my eating disorder over my marriage and past relationships, i was also putting all of my energy into it. no wonder my partners and friends sometimes felt like they were in it alone. because i was physically there, but my energy mostly never was.

i arrived back in sydney from the US this past week, and spent the weekend catching up with various friends. on saturday, i spent the day with a couple of friends, and just went from one thing to the next. that meant there was no time for a workout. not even a quick yoga sesh. in the back of my head, i heard the familiar voice: "ummm, wanna tell your friends to run a few errands so you can go for a run?" and it was strange, but i noticed myself talk back to it, "why don't i just enjoy being with my friends and take a day off?"

yeah, that's right. i took a day off. #miraclesnow right? you know what else? it happened again sunday. i went to yoga with a friend in the morning, but i never got to "escape" for a cardio session. i just kept enjoying my friends. talking. connecting. loving.

i expected to wake up monday feeling gross. fat maybe. like a failure maybe. like i had to do three workouts that day maybe. but guess what? i felt happy. i felt like i had been loved up all weekend. and i felt ready to take on the week.

so when my friend and i were chatting last night about the importance of placing energy, it really hit home. placing energy into the relationships in my life is way more worth it than another workout. i know that extra workout isn't going to fill me up or make me feel fulfilled. i'm not saying i'll never forgo a social situation because of my eating disorder again, but i'm learning. and i invite you to keep reminding me. if you hear me try to bail on brunch for a run, call me out.

i'm listening.

angels everywhere

in december 2012 my sister visited me in sydney for christmas. she cried on the day she was scheduled to leave, telling me she didn't feel like she could leave me. when i asked why, she said:

because i feel like you don't love yourself enough.

that one sentence broke my heart and tortured me. for at least a year.

at first i denied it. i tried to convince myself she was wrong. i tried to tell myself that she just saw me at a bad time. i tried to believe that i was happy.

but the reason that sentence kept such a firm place in my mind was because i felt its truth.

i didn't love myself enough. i didn't love my body enough. i was judging myself constantly; i wasn't accepting of anything.

today i went on yoga retreat with kelli. while there, i pulled off my shirt (it was HOT today; take that north american winters--our winter made me STRIP!). after pulling off my shirt, i walked back to her house with only a bra top on. and then i sat there, hunched over, crumpled up a bit on the floor, chatting with everyone for a while.

i didn't really notice anything, but kelli made everyone stop and look at me, saying: look how beautiful spring is; look how she's just sitting there, so comfortable in her own body. look how she doesn't care about fat rolls!

ok. maybe she didn't say "fat rolls" ... but my crazy-mind heard her say that. my crazy-mind was all "oh, now that i'm not stick-skinny you want to call attention to it, bitch?!" ok. again, i'm kidding. kind of.

it's still hard for me to hear some things. being called beautiful because i'm comfortable looking not-skinny didn't used to be my idea of an ideal compliment. but it's actually one of the most beautiful things for me to hear now. (and only a tiny bit hard not to argue back to.)

about two weeks ago another one of my friends touched my belly affectionately. i didn't really notice that either. but he said to me: "oh my god. look at you! you didn't violently suck your stomach in!" i just smiled, wondering what all the fuss was over. but, after hearing it again today, i am starting to hear it: all these tiny shifts are working. i'm shifting this stuff for real. don't get me wrong--it's still there; but maybe it isn't crushing me any more.

themes of retreat today, which are all relevant here: 1) we can shift this shit; we have the power to align with our higher versions of ourselves if we 2) show up and fucking participate in the practice and 3) choose that we want to make that shift happen, because after all, why not 4) start today--instead of waiting until tomorrow to be better?

and so we all meditated about something that we wanted for ourselves in our lives. mine? "i am acceptance." why? because i don't want to judge others. i don't want to judge myself. i want to live without shame (body-shame, self-shame, comparative shame). i want to sit there in my bra top, see my reflection in the window, and be like, FUCK YEAH! (instead of FUCK!). (that's a kelli-ism, stolen from one of her students.)

kelli has this story about the song "gabriel" by lamb. i won't tell you her story, because it is totes hers, but there is this image from her story she tells that haunts me: she is in the rain, pounding her feet to this song: pounding out shame. pounding through feelings. just trying to stop the pain; stop the feeling; and get fucking THROUGH it.

that image just resonates through me. and when i hear that story, i cry. i feel what she feels. i know that experience. it hurts.

but i LOVE hearing that story. i asked her to tell it tonight, at the end of our one day retreat. the vulnerability that she has to work through in that story is inspiring. and i feel that inspiration echo through me in the lyrics (partially copied below):

I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings


I can love
But I need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him I never want to part

these lyrics also break my heart though. because it's so true: i have the power to do this, to get through it, to shift, to change, to align with my best self. but, i also want that help. any angel that will stand by me and endure it with me is always welcome.

and the awesome thing about that is that i have fucking angels everywhere. all of my friends. kelli, as a teacher and an inspiration. and me. i have myself.

i am enough on my own; i have the power; i choose to believe it: i am acceptance.

i am full

there's a quote by george bernard shaw that inspired the biennale of sydney this year: "imagination is the beginning of creation. you imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will." i took a photo of the lights proclaiming this sentiment last night, and i'm experiencing them today. i've spent a lot of time dreaming lately; manifesting what i want in my life. and today i started to really see it.

today i went on a mini yoga retreat. just a one day thing. but it was pretty freaking amazing.

we were lying in savasana after the first practice of the day and kelli came around and gave us adjustments. on me, she did a motion with her hand on my forehead as if she was opening my third eye. moments later, i had this weird image come into my mind: a belly button. i was viewing it, thinking, why is there a belly button in my mind's eye? then, i kind of popped through it. it was suddenly very bright in my mind's eye, and these black and white images of women's faces floated by. all of the images looked similar to family members i knew, but they weren't my family's faces. the age of the women ranged from babies to old women.

i started crying, and my whole body was trembling a little.

we came out of savasana, and the thoughts in my head swirled: "i am full. i am here. i am ready." i didn't consciously think these things, and i still don't really know exactly what they mean. but i agree with them.

i told the story to OCS, who i was on the retreat with, and he suggested that it was my family sending me love. i told kelli the story, and she suggested that it was my grandmother and passed relatives telling me that they were there for me, supporting me.

i don't know what it was. but all day the sense of trembling has stayed with me. and i'm sitting here, home on a saturday night blogging, thinking that i feel different. i can't really explain how i feel different. and i can't really analyze how i feel about the new feeling. but i'm sitting with it, and remembering that sense of fullness that overwhelmingly came over me this afternoon.

another thing that kelli said to me today was that i was 180 degrees from where i had been at this time last year when i had been on retreat with her in bali. (love you so much kelli!)

i kind of brushed it off, but when i thought about it, i realized she was right. i didn't freak out when i didn't do cardio today. i didn't freak out when she served us a lunch with cheese. i totally committed to the retreat today and didn't even pick up my phone or look at a clock for the whole 8 hours. most of these things wouldn't have been possible even two months ago. and then i came home on a saturday night and blogged about it.

i am different. i've been really busy filling myself up recently, and i think it's working. i have come so far. and i am ready and excited for what's next. #miracles

instincts don't lie

i don't normally talk about my dating life. (ahem, i don't usually talk about it on my blog.) but i've gotta get this story out.

i've been on this 40 day journey (thanks to my BFF kitty), and i didn't want to date during it. i had deleted dating apps. i was spending time with myself, and with my friends. i was totally loving that: i was the one helping others with terrible dating situations and saving them from bad dates. i was the one fixing others' dating profiles and deciding whether they should accept a date.

but, while chuck was visiting for the past two weeks, i re-downloaded tinder (a dating app that tells you if you have common facebook friends). i wanted to play on it with him. this one guy that popped up had something like 35 common friends with me, and he was into some of the same things i was. so, i swiped right (tinder speak for "liked" him). i chatted with him a little, though i felt he was a little aggressive in his texting and pushing toward an immediate date.

so, against my instincts, when he asked me for a date last night, i considered it. turns out last night was night 40 of the 40 day journey. of the two friends staying with me for the past two weeks, chuck had left yesterday morning and matt had plans last night. so it kinda seemed like the date was supposed to happen. i decided it was fated.

from the beginning there were disasters: he wanted to meet at my apartment, but of course i suggested the local cute bar instead. he texted me 15 minutes after he was supposed to arrive saying he was leaving his apartment and would be there soon. he then proceeded to ask me to sext him while he was on his way to speed the time along. i told him i was cool; i was texting a student about something. i also assumed he would jump in a cab and be there in five minutes since he was so late. i was wrong again. he showed up at 9:39 (ok, yeah, i was like five minutes late, but still, he was 35 minutes later than me!).

once he was there, he said, "oh, you were texting a student? what do you teach again?" me: sexual health. him: "oh, so you're like into... ummm... condoms?" me: yeah, they're my fav. him: "i don't believe in them. and i've never had an STI. i believe in natural immune functioning."

ok. yeah. cool. believe in what you want. but that cavalier approach to dating isn't gonna cut it with me. especially when you lead with that. especially when that's what i study. especially when you seem like a high quantity dater (remember the "sext me while i'm on my way"?!).

and yet, i decided to give him a chance. i thought, "maybe he is just coming across poorly through texts," "maybe he is just trying to impress me with his yoga-ish philosophies," "we couldn't have so many friends in common if he is actually such a douche." so. i committed to another hour.

the hour was rough:
he touched my leg, i asked him to step it back.
he pulled his shirt up, i said that isn't what i meant.
he kissed me, i said i wasn't comfortable with this.
he kissed me again, i said you aren't listening to me.
i told him i was tired and wanted to go to bed, he asked if that was an invite.

now, some people have trouble reading social cues. but come on. this is not what was happening here. i was being clear. i wasn't drinking. i knew what was happening, and it wasn't cool. by the time i convince him that i'm going to be sleeping alone and that he is going back to his apartment, he still seems to think things are going well, telling me that i have great energy and that we fit so well together. UMMM, WHAT?!

so he gets his stuff together and we walk to the door. this is when i realize that he has a backpack and laptop with him.

now, we had both finished our respective yoga classes, gone home and showered, and then met. which means he brought a backpack and laptop to meet me for a drink. which means he clearly expected to be staying over.

(yeah, ok, so chuck and i joked all week about taking backpacks on dates because my house was so full of people. but it was a joke. because who takes a backpack to meet someone they don't even know?!)

at this realization, i felt sick to my stomach. i felt like i had been punched. i felt like i had been tricked. i felt like i had been taken advantage of. i just felt plain shitty. like super shitty.

when he got home he texted me: "good night. sweet dreams! xxx"

no. it wasn't a good night. and there were certainly no immediate dreams in my future. i spent the rest of the evening trying to make myself feel ok with what had happened. it wasn't until i talked it through with anthony and matt this morning that i figured out what i was feeling the worst about.

i had felt uncomfortable about him from the beginning. but i went through with the date anyway. that was ignoring my inner guide. that was pushing back uncomfortable feelings and ignoring them. that was typical old-spring behavior. and i think the reason it felt so freaking terrible was because i'm not used to doing that anymore. i've been re-training to trust myself. to trust my instincts. to believe that they are there for a reason.

so, even though that story now supersedes all the others as my worst date story, i did learn something valuable. 1) i trust myself now. so much that it feels uncomfortable not to. 2) i know that trusting my instincts is what i need to do. i won't doubt myself again.

and you know what? that's kind of a miracle right there. i freaking did a handstand in the middle of the room in yoga last night! i am trusting myself. so, yeah. 40 days to miracles. and here i am. living miracles.

thanks to all my super amazing supports.

you all are miracle workers. xo

mid-journey

i've treated myself terribly.
i've believed things other people have said.
i've criticized and judged myself 24/7.
i've believed that i wasn't good enough, fast enough, thin enough, or sexy enough.
i've exercised excessively.
i've binged and purged.
i've severely restricted caloric intake.
i've abused alcohol ridiculously.
i've escaped through sex.

i've used every distraction.
i've ignored all of my internal signals.
i've relied on anything but my inner guide.

i'm forgiving my fears.
i'm accepting the intuitive guidance.
i'm squashing the anxieties with love: love for the entire journey.

miracles keep happening.