energies

ok. so like i know my eating disorder has layers: layers that affect many areas of my life... like that actually affect my family, friendships, relationships, and career.

one of my best friends texts me and says: maybe you need to put some of this energy into your work.
i go late to a birthday party to squeeze in an extra workout.
i don't focus on a friend's conversation because i'm re-calculating the calories in my dinner.
i tell a friend i can't go out to dinner because i think the menu won't have anything healthy enough.
or, in my married life: my partner feels ignored and alone because i spend all of my free time at the gym.

and yet somehow i was able to mostly choose to ignore that i was allowing these things to happen. some of these things i've been starting to realize, but it wasn't clear until last night.

a friend and i were talking about the energy we put into things: into our work, into our relationships... and i asked her if she felt like our subtle shifts of energy were apparent to others in our life. like, when i make a conscious heart-felt decision, do the people that it affects feel it? i was arguing that they did (because i was feeling the energy being poured back into me after one of my conscious shifts). my friend said she agreed: she had noticed that after consciously choosing a small energy shift at work, a colleague commented and fed back to her the change. there we go: at least two pieces of evidence for people in our lives feeling the importance of where we place our energy.

and that's when it really hit me: umm, ok, so besides choosing my eating disorder over my marriage and past relationships, i was also putting all of my energy into it. no wonder my partners and friends sometimes felt like they were in it alone. because i was physically there, but my energy mostly never was.

i arrived back in sydney from the US this past week, and spent the weekend catching up with various friends. on saturday, i spent the day with a couple of friends, and just went from one thing to the next. that meant there was no time for a workout. not even a quick yoga sesh. in the back of my head, i heard the familiar voice: "ummm, wanna tell your friends to run a few errands so you can go for a run?" and it was strange, but i noticed myself talk back to it, "why don't i just enjoy being with my friends and take a day off?"

yeah, that's right. i took a day off. #miraclesnow right? you know what else? it happened again sunday. i went to yoga with a friend in the morning, but i never got to "escape" for a cardio session. i just kept enjoying my friends. talking. connecting. loving.

i expected to wake up monday feeling gross. fat maybe. like a failure maybe. like i had to do three workouts that day maybe. but guess what? i felt happy. i felt like i had been loved up all weekend. and i felt ready to take on the week.

so when my friend and i were chatting last night about the importance of placing energy, it really hit home. placing energy into the relationships in my life is way more worth it than another workout. i know that extra workout isn't going to fill me up or make me feel fulfilled. i'm not saying i'll never forgo a social situation because of my eating disorder again, but i'm learning. and i invite you to keep reminding me. if you hear me try to bail on brunch for a run, call me out.

i'm listening.