back body homebody

the first time i was in an anusara yoga class and heard "breathe into your back body" i was like, "umm, did she say my backbody ...what's a backbody??" and then, five minutes later, i thought "i think i love that phrase."

for me, the term back body is super meaningful. it was shocking the first time i heard it, because i didn't know how to interpret it. but, as i thought more about it, i realized the beautiful underlying themes. we are all so focused on the front. we look from the front, we only ever see ourselves from the front, we walk to the front, we bend forward (and hunch over) countless times a day, and we are all very obsessed with moving forward. so to focus on our back body is to greatly shift our perspective; to give attention to that space that never receives attention. it also puts us a little further in touch with our self.

the back body represents the universal, and the front body represents the individual. being in the back body, and moving from the back body, fosters intention in thoughts and actions. it's about noticing the energy that is all around us, without throwing lots of extra energy into our environments unnecessarily.

one of the easiest ways for me to get into my back body is to start in a plank. this is because i can orient the back body toward the sky (or ceiling), and my eye gaze is at the floor, so there isn't much to distract me back to my front body. imagining my back body is magnetically being pulled upward helps me find that weightless feeling where my attention moves inward and a bit back-ward. breathing into your back body (try puffing your lower back with air as you inhale) also pulls attention and awareness there. (and, after doing some planks, try some plank stretches i posted!)

when we are "in" the back body, we can begin to see, feel, and move from a more integrated space. for me, when i'm in my back body, everything seems more amazing. i'm able to receive a little more, and, in turn, my offerings back to the world also increase in quality.

which is why i wanna be a back body homebody! i want to LIVE back there! this evening, as i was walking home in the drizzle, i saw some HUGE snails sliding along the sidewalk. i thought OMG! they get to literally live in their back body! how lucky are these snails?! (yes, i actually thought that.) ...i mean, sure, they're slimy creatures, and they are always having to take their home with them everywhere... but can you imagine how back body-aware they must be? maybe that's the real reason they move so slowly--because they're moving from a universal space; a space of intention. and i bet snails NEVER think about trading in their (home) (life) (body).

and so my new endeavor is to be a snail. i don't need to be the fastest. i don't need to be the smartest. i don't need to be the best at every(any)thing. i want to be at home in my life, and know that i am always at home in my body.

and so, with intention, i creep along toward tomorrow.

(original link for snail yoga pic)

simultaneous recovery

"you're not in this alone." how many times have i heard that in my life? no matter what "this" is, experts, friends, people on the street, will tell you that same old line. hearing an oft repeated phrase usually means that it goes in one ear and out the other, though--you'll hear the statement without really processing it.

this morning i did a beautiful practice on yogaglo with elena brower. it's true, i'm obsessed with her classes in general, but this class said the right thing to me at the right time. in the class i took with her today, she told us that we weren't the only ones who had gone through whatever it was we were going through. she emphasized that a few times, saying that someone else had lived through exactly what it was we were living through. someone else had done it before. someone else had lived it. someone else. more than just me. someone else, too.

as i laid there in supta baddha konasana, left hand on my heart, i heard what elena said. like actually heard it for once. and when you really hear something for the first time, it's amazing. your brain hears it, your heart hears it, and every cell hears it. my cells all heard that i wasn't alone. they finally understood that everyone goes through hard times. that everyone struggles. and that somewhere, someone had gone through my exact struggles. and they came through it, shining brighter on the other side.

well, i can't really be sure of that last part, but that's what i choose to believe. and knowing that someone else has lived through these struggles that feel so ridiculously hard, is, well, ultra-comforting. HEY! I'M NOT ALONE!

practicing yoga this morning is what enabled me to put my breath, body, and mind in the right space to hear that message. and that's why i practice. to connect a little more, to myself and to everyone else. we aren't alone. even if it feels like it sometimes. today i decided to imagine that someone else is currently at the exact same stage, the exact same page, as i am. seeing that person in my mind's eye, sending them comfort and well wishes, was amazingly easier than doing it for myself. but it is me. and i want to tell that "other me" that she isn't alone either.

we aren't alone. we are all constantly in recovery together. from whatever.

which remind me of what the beatles sing, "there's nothing you can do that can't be done," and "nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be." so here i am: doing what i can do, where i'm meant to do it. "it's easy."

shifting into confidence (OM)

i am pretty confident in most areas of my life. i don't doubt my decisions, i think everyone should trust my instincts, and i don't mind sharing my opinions. i'm confident in my work, my personal life, my relationships, my fitness teaching, and my yoga. and i thought i was confident in my yoga teaching... until i started to reflect on a few instances over the past few months.

1. friends complimenting me on my teaching and/or cues for yoga: after receiving amazing compliments from close friends, on different occasions, i found myself smiling, thanking them, and truly appreciating the compliments. but, then, after each instance, i would think to myself that those friends weren't expert yogis, or that they didn't know what was "supposed" to be cued, and i began to doubt the accuracy of the compliments.

2. the invitation to teach at an internationally attended yoga conference: after being invited to teach both a workshop and a class at the sydney evolve fest, i felt elated, momentarily. then i thought OMIGOD! WHY ARE THEY LETTING ME TEACH THERE?! i thought for sure they must have been desperate for teachers and only allowed me to teach because they had way too many spots. which turned out not to be true... but that didn't really affect my perception of the invitation.

3. the subsequent "life-changing" comments from people at the workshop: after leading a yoga/art mind-body workshop i developed, i had people coming up to me telling me about the amazing experiences they had felt: how they had realized things they never thought possible; how they heard things from me they had never allowed themselves to hear before. i smiled, i blushed, i felt humbled. and then i left and thought, surely that life-altering experience they had was a result of something else that recently happened; they were only attributing it to me.

all of these smaller reflections began to add up, especially in combination with the realization of #4 yesterday.

4. i have never taught a class an OM (spelled "aum" in sanskrit, but referred to here in its americanized spelling, cap-locked for emphasis). i suppose i have never been a big OM-er. don't get my wrong, i like my OMs. i like doing them in classes, but i really love being in the middle of them, i love the feeling of reverberation through my heart and through my body from the community of voices contributing to my own. i've just never felt comfortable teaching them. first of all, i have a terrrrrible singing voice. it's fine among the others... but as the one others might "listen" to? unh-uh. no way, forget it! oh, and i teach at gyms! they don't expect it; it might turn them off; they may never try another yoga class if i get all hippy-dippy on them!

AHEM, excuses.

after realizing that, yes, these truly were excuses, i thought: WOAH. and when taken with those other examples!?! --> i'm not as confident in my yoga teaching as i pretend to be! and then i began to meditate on why i wasn't teaching the OM in my yoga classes. like, the real reason--not the excuses i had spouted to co-teachers, fiends, and students. why was i letting myself get away with this for so long? was i really that shy about singing a single word? was i really that worried about the reactions from my class--the people that come week after week to take a class with me? was i really so scared that i couldn't pull it off?

well, i think the real reason was because moving from intention to action is scary! and even though i had intended to introduce an OM into my regular classes several times over the past couple of years, i had never actually done it. i told myself things like, "oh, there were 4 new people today--way too many to start a new part of our practice" or "i had a bad day at work, i should wait for a day i feel really shiny!" yes, shiny. these are the things i tell myself.

but something happened yesterday. i shifted. the mini revelation, fueled by the smaller instances of awareness, gave me the courage i needed to shift.

i walked into my class last night and began in a similar manner as i normally do. we were on the floor in suptaBK. we moved our arms with our breath. we rocked up to sitting. and then, i surprised the class. i told them tonight was the night we started our class with three OMs. i was honest: i told them i thought it was important for us to begin together, in the same place, on the same note; to be able to feel and experience the community of the class. and i told them i had been nervous to start doing it in my classes, but that it was TIME.


something amazing happened. they giggled with me. they didn't laugh at me. and then they OMed with me--anusara style--quietly, in order to make one voice. to hear one voice. to be one voice.

and it was beautiful.

...and then we moved on. we also closed with an OM, but by then i wasn't scared at all. i had done it! nothing bad had happened! i felt silly for doubting myself and i felt silly for doubting my students. and, when it was all over, i felt better about my class than i could have believed was possible, just because of an OM.

it's only the sound of everything. what'd i expect, really?

but reflecting back on it, a day later, i know it was hard. developing the strength to trust myself in this instance; finding the courage; shifting; moving from intention to action... it was all insanely difficult. but we all have these times, these experiences of contraction. we feel an instant "no" before we can attempt to say "yes." we decide we can't do something for a non-reason.

but now i know. i can do it. YOU can do it. nothing is really as hard as we make it out to be. start from the yes. start from the beginning. start from the OM.

and see where it takes you.

body wars

**disclaimer: i have written this on 1/4 of my normal amount of sleep. so expect nonsense. if it isn't nonsense, then, hooray!

i'm in such a state of war with my body right now. but, oddly enough, not the "usual" war. food? exercise? no, no, no. right now we're fighting about sleep, energy, and, well, my well-intentioned plans.

as much as i love and value impulsivity (impulsiveness, perhaps?), i'm a born planner. it's how i'm able to workout, do yoga, write grants, publish papers, teach fitness and academic classes, attend workshops and conferences, go out with special interest clubs and friends, make dinner half of the evenings, and (sometimes) see my billy. fitting my life into my life is quite complex. so, even though billy has done a pretty good job of fostering lessons about how to fly by the seat of my pants, i still have a planner full of plans.

so, here i am, wondering what to do when my body rebels in a way it never has before. despite traveling internationally quite often, i never seem to have problems sleeping. i sleep when it's night in my current city; you know, like you're supposed to!

i don't know what happened, but even though i didn't sleep on the 27 hours of flights home, i haven't been able to sleep appropriately since returning. i arrived home late friday evening. friday night i tried sleeping, but didn't fall asleep until 930am. at 530pm, billy woke me up, suggesting that i should get up or i may not be able to sleep later. those 8 hours were the best, deepest sleep i had ever had. but, when billy woke me up from the nap, i thought i had only been asleep for 30 minutes. since i was still exhausted, i wasn't worried about sleeping later, though.

billy and i went for a run, showered, had a lovely sushi dinner, and began planning our vacation. then, i went to bed. not to sleep, but to bed.

here it is 5am, and i'm still awake. i wouldn't be very worried about this whole craziness, since it's the weekend, and i'm actually being pretty productive in work catch-up... except for the havoc this non-sleeping is having on my plans!

i changed my life around in order to get back from berlin by friday night so that i could do my second anusara yoga immersion saturday-wednesday. i've now missed the first day of the five day immersion, and am seriously worried about what is going to happen tomorrow. i'm worried about whether i'll get my immersion, i'm worried about the money i've paid for it, and i'm worried about when i would ever carve out the time to re-do this immersion if it was required (because of missing part of this one).

and, yes, i'm aware that all this worry is quite likely keeping me awake right now. i'm just not sure what to do about it. i've yoga-ed, i've breathed, hell, i've even blogged about it. (ps: amazing post-travel practice by my favorite anusara teacher: elena brower!) ...my body just isn't listening to a word i've been telling it.

it's frustrating when other people don't listen to you. but when YOU don't listen to you?! that's pretty much the most frustrating thing i've ever experienced. but here i am, living through it. breathing through it. feeling bad about not being able to keep commitments, but hoping that life (and ananda) will help me come out smiling on the other side of it.

what am i really learning, though? well, i suppose life is teaching me the lesson i hate the most: you can't plan for everything. (billy: did YOU plan this little lesson for me?! ;)

and so, as in yoga, i'm flowing. some days my body doesn't want to do a crow to headstand transition (meaning, i fall on my head, face, or shoulder when attempting it), and so, i try going to the wall or doing a different inversion. right now, my body doesn't want to sleep. so, i'm doing what i can. flowing to the next activity, trusting it will be the right one for this space/time/experience in my life.

and, scene.

Evolve Yoga Festival, Sept 3-4

Exciting news! This coming weekend (3-4 Sept) is the first ever Sydney Evolve Yoga Festival... and I'll be teaching there!

The website describes the weekend as: "A coming together of the yoga and wellness community, Evolve is a weekend of yoga, massage, meditation and more." Included with an admission ticket: yoga classes, workshops, breathing sessions, meditation sessions, talks on health, and exhibitor stalls. There are five rooms of concurrent events, so you can choose what you'd like to do throughout the day. In advance, tix are $32 for one full day of events, or $55 for the entire weekend.

HOWEVER, the head of the festival asked me if I knew anyone who would be willing to volunteer. So, if you are interested in attending for free, let me know and I'll put you in contact with the organizer!

I will be teaching Saturday:
11.15-12.15 My body, My home yoga workshop
12.30 -1.30 Vinyasa yoga class

Check out the full timetable at: yoga festival program.

I'd love to see you there! Hope you are happy and healthy!

Yoga love!

challenging normality

challenging normality. what does that immediately bring to mind? i'm not talking about believing in vampire neighbors, and i'm not talking about wearing undies on the outside. what i mean is challenging what we think of as normal.

"normal" in our yoga: opening into the same variation of trikonasa each time. ignoring the chaturanga and zooming through our vinyasas. doing the same closing sequence at the end of each practice.

"normal" in our environments: walking by the bum that lives on the corner a few blocks away each day and not really registering his presence. buying a coffee without acknowledging the barista.

"normal" in our heads: having to do two more things before going to bed. cursing the driver in front of our car who cuts us off.

what happens if we do a pose differently? or go to a yoga teacher's class we don't normally practice with? it sometimes feels uncomfortable, or challenging. what happens if we offer some food to the man living on the street, or say hi to the person making our coffee? those things may feel uncomfortable, or awkward. and what happens if we change necessities or responses in our minds? that can feel uncomfortable, or frightening.

for me, challenging the normal in my head is the hardest, and is very scary. i can convince myself that my thoughts are all completely rational, and somehow i believe this most of the times. but i was reminded of how abnormal my reality is today while reading a book by a woman who is in recovery from EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). she wrote about her treatment center and the "crazy" things people said and did inside (including herself). but over and over throughout the time i spent reading her accounts, i found myself thinking "what, that's not normal? i think that all the time!" oh, wait. it probably isn't normal; i've just convinced myself it is.

i've convinced myself that it's normal to do a minimum 75 minutes of cardio each day. why 75? because "regular" people might do 60, and i'm a fitness instructor, so i need to do more. also, if some unforeseen natural disaster occurs, i may need to take a day off, and i need to have at least 7 hours done in a week. and this is normal to me because i run marathons and teach fitness classes... and thus socialize with other runners and instructors. these highly competitive people will talk about hours of training as if it is nothing. i listen to athletes talk about their schedules and think, "eh, i could do that." but is that normal? to convince myself i have to do all of this every day? in addition to committing time to my work, my home responsibilities, my relationships... and my yoga/myself?

i've convinced myself that it's normal that i count every single calorie that i eat and expend, that it's ok to ask for every single item cooked in a specific way, to not eat something when i'm hungry because i think it is a "bad" food, unsafe, or because i haven't expended enough energy in the day to earn it. my brain constantly whirs numbers, adding, subtracting, estimating, compensating, and planning. this is normal to me because i've been doing it forever. i have millions of friends who diet, eat strange things or don't eat other things, or who regularly skip meals for "reasonable" reasons. and all of them say or post things about these habits regularly, infiltrating my mind and further cementing my version of normal. but is that normal? to convince myself that i'm not allowed to have dinner until i've burned another 400 calories? to tire my body until i don't have the energy for the things i want to do in my life?

we all have things we do: things we've rationalized to ourselves so often that we've forgotten we're rationalizing. it may be in your yoga, your environment, your head, somewhere else, or even a combination of places.

when i reflect on my version of normal, i can realize that some things are out of balance. but we often don't reflect on our normal. why would we? it's normal! ...what happens regularly; what we're used to. then, when something comes along to challenge that normality, we're surprised, a little shocked even. maybe a little sad or ashamed. thinking about my own normal, and what i regularly steal from myself, is upsetting.

challenging that normality is the next step: taking baby steps away from our comfort zone to find new normals. it may be different for you, but for me, it's easy to challenge myself in my yoga or in my environment. i don't mind trying new things, doing things differently, or being totally opposite to every other person on this planet. but challenging my crazy-mind? now that's a tough one. practicing in other areas of my life makes me feel like i'm taking baby steps (i taught a weird freestyle movement breathing-pattern-thingy in my yoga class tonight--does that count? i waited and watched someone taking a short video instead of rushing around the back of the videographer in a frenzied rush--does that count? i sat and relaxed for 10 minutes and then walked instead of running to make the earlier train--does that count?). baby steps everywhere!

but tonight i'm going to try to take a normal step. we'll see how it goes.

Just Breathe.

breath is an amazing thing. freaking amazing! the thing is, it's easy to forget how amazing it is, since we breathe automatically. every day. all the time.

i was reminded how amazing our breath is while watching a sitcom a few days ago. in the sitcom, a pregnant woman's boyfriend attended a lamaze class with her. he remained calm during the class, but after the class, he was talking to his friends saying "they expect her to deliver a baby just by using her BREATH!!"

i heard him say that, and i laughed so hard i started crying. once i caught my breath, i smiled. yes. i had forgotten how amazing the breath is. i was (am) stressed. i was (am) exhausted. i was (am) super low energy. i was (am) overburdened. over the past month, i've still been practicing and teaching yoga regularly, but even my yoga-breath was a little autopilot.

it took a freaked-out dad-to-be on an old UK sitcom to make me remember. but i remembered. MY BREATH IS AMAZING!

over the past week, i have been thinking about the breath: how it supports us, how it sustains us, how it gives us life. ...how it calms us down and repairs us when we're stressed/exhausted/super low energy/overburdened.

want to be amazed too? feel your breath: sit in a comfortable sitting position on the floor. sit tall with a long spine. take long, slow breaths, in and out through your nose, using ujjayi breath (how to do ujjayi breathing) if you like. with the first breaths, feel your belly expand. with the next breaths, focus on noticing your lower back expand. then, take your attention to the side bodies expanding. finally, feel the expansiveness through all the areas simultaneously. take another ten breaths or so, noticing the lightness and openness you've created. just by breathing.

just breathe. JUST BREATHE!