newbie

i convinced a friend who had never done yoga to go to yoga with me last week.  THREE TIMES, no less.  i was super proud of him--he did every pose without a whine or audible sigh of annoyance.  he didn't even shoot me any "is she fucking kidding me?!" eyes during some of the more painful parts of the classes!

nope, my new-to-yoga bff stayed with his breath through it all.  and, if you have ever done yoga, you know this is a feat.  especially when new to the practice.

alas, after the three classes, i heard my friend saying that he really tried to like yoga, but he found some of the things annoying and didn't really want to do it again.  i didn't say anything in the moment, but i felt a little heart broken at hearing that.  what i saw in his yoga practice was something that was rare with many beginners: the dedication to staying in the practice. and i don't mean simply following the poses, i mean he didn't break concentration or breath, he really was looking for the yoga: the yoking; the union.

reflecting on his aggravation, though, i'm reminded of how long i hated yoga: about 5 years to be precise. i would go to yoga once a week because i thought i should.  because i thought it would round out my workouts.  because i wanted to tell people "i do yoga." 

and then i thought of all the lessons i know NOW, and what i wish i had understood about yoga earlier.  and so, dedicated to my bff who still has 3 weeks of paid-for classes to sneak his way in to, here are some of the things i wish i had known:

1) yoga is hard for everyone. the person who is rocking every handstand might have a killer time trying to get into splits.   the person flopping into forward folds so easily could be very upset about not being able to hold an arm balance. the person who seems to have most of the yoga class sorted could secretly not be trying any of the harder variations because they are afraid of change and terrified that someone might notice that fact. the person who is flowing perfectly through every pose likely has a mind screaming "you should be doing it better" that they are trying to calm.

knowing that yoga is hard for everyone--but in different ways--is the first thing you have to remember.  and then, you let the breath enter the equation and allow yoga to be the great equalizer that it is.  yoga will even out your body side to side and strength to flexibility and balance.  it will bring together your mind, body, and breath.  and it brings US together as a community as well.

2) you can hold that warrior 2.  when something is hard in yoga, and you think you cannot stand one more second of it, know that you can, and then just decide to do it.  the teacher won't ask you to hold something longer than you can.

and there are two things that happen when you hold the pose as long as the teacher plans: first, as kelli so elegantly put it this weekend, you train your brain to know that you CAN do things that at first seem impossible.  and, secondly, you transform.  literally and figuratively. breathing through that fire that builds up in your legs, or your belly, or your shoulders is HOW you change. 

3) yoga makes your LIFE better.  yoga is sneaky in the ways it changes your life, but the most practical way i can explain it is through the shifts: every time you don't understand something your body routinely does in yoga (why you always lift your first knuckle when your hands are meant to be flat on your mat, pressing down through the ridge of the palm and taking weight out of the wrist, for example), it is practice for learning how to approach patterns you don't understand in your life off your mat. like "why do i always respond to my partner's jokes with animosity, even though i know they don't mean them to hurt me?"

these patterns in our body reflect the patterns in our lives.  each little shift we find in our yoga practice--which continues to happen F.O.R.E.V.E.R in yoga--is retraining your brain to respond more effectively in life. every time i find a shift in a pose, i notice a shift in my life outside of the yoga studio.  the act of hitting a new arm balance will carry with it a little shift in understanding in your brain that rewires how you understand something and will allow you to see something else differently later in your day or week.  the confidence you gained from holding that arm balance will likely double the impact in your life. HOW COOL IS THAT?

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mainly this blog is to say: stick with it.  everyone is a newbie at some point.  and the best thing about being new to yoga is that you get to have SO MANY little shifts and revelations, and that they will seem to come so quickly!  look for them.  examine and notice and take joy in the process.  i promise it will serve you off the mat in ways you never imagined.

namaste.

body wars

**disclaimer: i have written this on 1/4 of my normal amount of sleep. so expect nonsense. if it isn't nonsense, then, hooray!

i'm in such a state of war with my body right now. but, oddly enough, not the "usual" war. food? exercise? no, no, no. right now we're fighting about sleep, energy, and, well, my well-intentioned plans.

as much as i love and value impulsivity (impulsiveness, perhaps?), i'm a born planner. it's how i'm able to workout, do yoga, write grants, publish papers, teach fitness and academic classes, attend workshops and conferences, go out with special interest clubs and friends, make dinner half of the evenings, and (sometimes) see my billy. fitting my life into my life is quite complex. so, even though billy has done a pretty good job of fostering lessons about how to fly by the seat of my pants, i still have a planner full of plans.

so, here i am, wondering what to do when my body rebels in a way it never has before. despite traveling internationally quite often, i never seem to have problems sleeping. i sleep when it's night in my current city; you know, like you're supposed to!

i don't know what happened, but even though i didn't sleep on the 27 hours of flights home, i haven't been able to sleep appropriately since returning. i arrived home late friday evening. friday night i tried sleeping, but didn't fall asleep until 930am. at 530pm, billy woke me up, suggesting that i should get up or i may not be able to sleep later. those 8 hours were the best, deepest sleep i had ever had. but, when billy woke me up from the nap, i thought i had only been asleep for 30 minutes. since i was still exhausted, i wasn't worried about sleeping later, though.

billy and i went for a run, showered, had a lovely sushi dinner, and began planning our vacation. then, i went to bed. not to sleep, but to bed.

here it is 5am, and i'm still awake. i wouldn't be very worried about this whole craziness, since it's the weekend, and i'm actually being pretty productive in work catch-up... except for the havoc this non-sleeping is having on my plans!

i changed my life around in order to get back from berlin by friday night so that i could do my second anusara yoga immersion saturday-wednesday. i've now missed the first day of the five day immersion, and am seriously worried about what is going to happen tomorrow. i'm worried about whether i'll get my immersion, i'm worried about the money i've paid for it, and i'm worried about when i would ever carve out the time to re-do this immersion if it was required (because of missing part of this one).

and, yes, i'm aware that all this worry is quite likely keeping me awake right now. i'm just not sure what to do about it. i've yoga-ed, i've breathed, hell, i've even blogged about it. (ps: amazing post-travel practice by my favorite anusara teacher: elena brower!) ...my body just isn't listening to a word i've been telling it.

it's frustrating when other people don't listen to you. but when YOU don't listen to you?! that's pretty much the most frustrating thing i've ever experienced. but here i am, living through it. breathing through it. feeling bad about not being able to keep commitments, but hoping that life (and ananda) will help me come out smiling on the other side of it.

what am i really learning, though? well, i suppose life is teaching me the lesson i hate the most: you can't plan for everything. (billy: did YOU plan this little lesson for me?! ;)

and so, as in yoga, i'm flowing. some days my body doesn't want to do a crow to headstand transition (meaning, i fall on my head, face, or shoulder when attempting it), and so, i try going to the wall or doing a different inversion. right now, my body doesn't want to sleep. so, i'm doing what i can. flowing to the next activity, trusting it will be the right one for this space/time/experience in my life.

and, scene.