you can't judge my body

a boy recently dumped me because he didn't like my body (too skinny).  at least, that's the reason i interpreted from the one minute break up conversation. 

why does this reason piss me off more than any other reason i've ever heard in my life?  i'm so glad you asked.  BECAUSE I HAVE SPENT YEARS TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE MY BODY.  the last thing i need is someone else telling me they don't like something about it.

when i was thinking about this a little more today, i thought "i don't think anyone i've dated or been friends with has ever judged my body."  i mean i have, for sure.  but i had to scan each person in my life until i finally remembered one other:  a guy i was casually hooking up with about 4 years ago, who was 21 and very buff (and on steroids), told me after sex one day "you know, you could stand to do a few squats." 

i responded "i'm 32; this is the best it's gonna get, honey."

and then i proceeded to never again have sex with him.  but i did start doing a lot more squats.

why?  because i was still very intertwined with my bulimia.  i had just run a marathon; i was nearly the skinniest i've ever been.  i was teaching tons of fitness classes; i was well toned.  there was no reason i should have felt bad about my body, but of course i did.  and hearing it confirmed from someone i had just had sex with tore at my ego.

but this one last week--it hurt way more.  in a totally different way.  i have done a FUCK TON of work to love this body just as it is.  not because of its shape.  but because it houses a beautiful and brave soul.

no one gets to judge my body: no one gets to say i'm too fat.  no one gets to say i'm too thin.  no one gets to say i need to do a few more squats.

INCLUDING ME.

re: that one minute call last week: i don't think i'm maddest about the judgment received or the self-judgement inflicted afterwards; it was that i didn't stick up for the years of work i've done.

i respect each person's unique fetishes and attractions.  i respect each person's decision to date who they want. 

but i really respect myself, and my body.  and so, my gift to myself today, on my 8th wedding anniversary (if i still do that type of thing), is to come to my own defense.

the light at the end of the grocery store aisle

i was mopey all weekend. apparently i was being a "mopey mopey babe." last night one of my friends was trying to cheer me up and he dragged me out with him to pick up a pizza. as we were walking toward the pizza shop, it started raining. i almost broke down in tears, being in the mopey mood i was in. he pushed me into the grocery store we were next to, and told me to wait in there for him to get the pizza. as i walked into the store, a sad song was playing, and tears started streaming down my face.

and then, a small panic swept over me: i realized i hadn't brought anything with me--no phone, no money, no keys. i didn't know what pizza store my friend was going to, and now i had been deserted at this grocery store in the middle of a storm. i thought, "i could yelp close pizza stores... oh wait, i don't have my phone. i could go back to the house... oh wait, i don't have my keys."

i walked helplessly in a lap around the store, and then just walked straight back out, sure that i'd never see my friend again.

as i walked outside, my friend walked up and i collapsed in his arms saying i thought i was going to have to spend the night at that grocery store. he laughed a bit maniacally and said that he would never do that to me, though it would've been a brilliant plan--especially considering my level of mopey-ness.

well that whole thing showed me i kind of needed to turn the corner.

what was before the corner? saturday morning i woke up and found that someone i cared about deleted me from their life without any explanation. it was pretty jarring. i'm grown up enough to know that this wasn't my fault, and i reached out via text message to this person and offered compassion, hopefully offering a safe space for this person to respond back to me. they haven't yet. it left me feeling a little small. i was shrinking into myself with fear about the situation.

luckily my friends distracted me most of the weekend.

they are the most lovely friends in the world.

and then this morning i went to yoga. the teacher taught a theme of expansion: of expanding past our physical boundaries. on the mat, i reached my arms wider than i ever had before. i stretched my legs further apart. i cartwheeled my arms bigger, i radiated my heart with more passion and energy than i thought possible.

and i BREATHED. so deeply. so fully.

the feeling that emerged as i did this was overwhelming: i felt myself shattering the shell of fear i had encased myself in over the weekend. i felt myself thinking "i'm bigger than this. i'm bigger than this feeling of fear. i'm bigger than this mopey-self. i'm bigger than all this shit!"

i left the class with a knowing that i'll be ok. a knowing that i turned the corner: i made it out of the grocery store, and i'm making it out of this.

and to the person that evoked all of this: i'm also big enough to handle whatever is going on. that's an offering and a promise.

love, compassion, peace. and expansion. so much expansion. outside and inside.

committing. #sydneytoNYC

i haven't been getting excited. i've been freaking out. and mish got super pissed at me on my last full day in sydney because of that. she said SPRING! SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID APARTMENT! WHO CARES? YOU'RE GOING TO NEW YORK!!!

and i tried to get excited. i really did. but i had so much anxiety about the move (which i felt, in my stomach, every single day) that it was hard.

i was in a yoga class mid-move: those few days in LA between sydney and NYC were much needed down time. the teacher told us about how her six-year-old did the splits on the escalator that day. her advice to her daughter: "you have to commit; you can't be in two places at once!"


and that's when i realized what i needed to do: commit to NYC. sure. i did all the things. allll the things to get myself moved. but i didn't actually commit to NYC. so, right there in the yoga class, i decided to do it. i told NYC: i'm yours. totally yours. i breathed through each pose and smiled from the inside out. i repeated in my head over and over: "i commit to NYC."

by the end of the class i felt strong. happy. centered. ready.

there's a real lesson there: as soon as i committed, the anxiety disappeared. i filled my heart with love and it squashed the fear. it edged it right out.

and i'm going. RIGHT NOW. i'm in the air mid-way from LA to NYC: the last part of the move. i'm not even scared.

the only way i could have gotten to this place was through those friends that went so beyond the call of duty that i can't even begin to think of how i can thank them.

(hayden: thank you for helping with the boxes and computer. bal and chuck: thank you for stealing my stuff. matt: thank you for alllll the shit. and to all my besties who have supported me through millions of texts, chats, and company: thank you.)

so what's next? well, i run into anthony's arms at JFK. and then? who knows. anything can happen.

anything happens all the time.

i'm a New Yorker.

I was scared of...

is the starting line of one of my fav songs. I love the lyrics of "riptide." it's all about this woman who is NOT the one coming unstuck, and the man falling in love with her. it moves my little heart. most of all I love how she's not the scared one, though--she's doing what she wants. favorite line: "there's this movie that I think you'll like; this guy decides to quit his job and head to New York City." IKR?! anyway, enough on that... but it's related.

I'm in New Zealand. by myself. yeah that's right: it's like I grew up overnight, huh? I've never been on vacation by myself. ever. sure, conferences, yoga retreats, or even trips with people I just met. but... alone? never. 

I have friends that vacay by themselves regularly. (lisa--you're the champ here!!) I've always wondered how people did it: how they had enough self-efficacy to do that.  (and I also have friends who have drastically failed at the attempt; scary!) but I'm confident; I'm fairly street-smart; I love travelling. but... by myself? I've never even considered it.
until I had this opportunity fall in my lap. and I thought, I'll find someone to go with, and started making plans. well I didn't. let me clarify, I found someone amazing for the second half of the six days. but that still left me exploring a new country on my own for three days. and I thought, yeah, no worries, mate; I got this.

ok. the planning (or lack thereof) was scary. the day of the flight was scary. the taxi to the airport was scary. but once me and all of my liquids made it through security, I was fine. plane? cool. Christchurch earthquake arrival? cool. figuring out what the hell I'm doing the first few days? cool. (after a run and a local yoga class!)

but I'm still pretty amazed.

I still remember the first time I ate at a restaurant alone: June 2006. tamar, liz, sunam and I were studying abroad in germany for the summer. we did weekend trips together but occasionally would explore the cities we went to separately. we were in berlin, and I ate lunch in a cafe. alone. I remember being panicked at telling them "one;" thinking they would judge me.

of course no one did; of course it was fine: I had a lovely bowl of soup while writing in my journal (I didn't have a blog yet!). and I've eaten alone in restaurants at least a hundred times since.

seeing a movie alone for the first time? just after billy left: October 2012. laurel said I just HAD to see "wreck-it ralph," so I went. I felt ridiculous going to a movie aimed at kids as a single adult. but I did it.

and I LOVED it. I probably haven't seen too many more movies alone, but that's just because I don't see movies much.

I think that this super slow evolution of being able to travel alone is indicative of my perception of my self-worth: I probably didn't like myself enough to spend this much time alone in the past.

but it turns out that I'm actually pretty good company.



so. what have I learned thus far? sometimes trusting that everything will work out is a good "plan," I'm always stronger than I expect, I have amazing friends that support me while trying to get out of town (hal, chuck, bal, mish, andrew--that's you), I have super cool friends that will join me for a few days at a moment's notice (SAM!!!!), I can make friends ANYwhere (thanks for the training ground, USAF!), and, um, I kinda like travelling alone.

granted, I'm still in this. but, like I said, I got it. what was I scared of?

#butexpectmoreselfiesthanusual

choosing and unchoosing #layers

layers. and layers. and layers. and layers.

oreos.
onions.
hair.
clothes.
artichokes.
cakes.
the earth's crust.
you.
me.

and my eating disorder.

so like i thought i was doing pretty good with this whole eating disorder thing. i'm not binging and purging anymore. check.

i'm not forcing myself into a marathon-or-bust mindset. check.

i'm getting comfortable with my juicier body. check.

i'm talking about it. i'm blogging about it. i'm being fucking honest. check, check, check.

so i started patting myself on the back. what else is there to work on in my life? bc that whole eating disorder thing is pretty much licked, hey?

last week i was on a teleconference with elena, who i'm doing a "design your life" course with. she called bullshit on the bulimia thing. she says to me, in response to hearing me say that i "developed bulimia in grad school," YOU DIDN'T DEVELOP IT, SPRING. YOU CHOSE IT.

ok, ok, so if we're going with the whole "i choose the life i live" philosophy, yeah, i guess i did choose it. i don't feel comfortable saying that, but that discomfort comes from the fact that it's true: i did choose it. i chose it over and over and over. i chose it over feeling things. i chose it over dealing with things. i chose it over spending time with friends. i chose it over being debt-free. i chose it over honesty. i fucking chose it over my marriage.

elena didn't stop there, though. she also told me she wanted to start an evernote notebook where i upload pics of all of the meals i eat to share with her. she wanted me to do this so that i begin to appreciate and value the food i'm eating. my thoughts, upon hearing her request: 1) she's going to be bored of seeing the same things every day; 2) omg this is going to make me focus on food more--NOT what i need!; and 3) i am going to feel judged. #layer

two days in elena sent me an email saying "no more fake bagel and soy capp; those things are killing neuronal connections and making you feel less than human." ok, umm, the things i call "fake bagels" are what i eat for breakfast every morning. when i got this email from elena i panicked: 1) she WAS judging me; 2) i didn't think she was going to suggest changes!! and 3) what the fuck was i supposed to eat for breakfast if i didn't eat that?! #layer

i discussed this discomfort with a friend, saying that i thought i had been doing good with my eating. but all of these thoughts made me realize that i was still a little obsessed with my food. and i had a conversation about how my controlling food was a form of disordered eating that i hadn't let go of yet--but i had somehow rationalized it as "acceptable" disordered eating. he told me that "yeah, it's pretty annoying to eat with you sometimes" (my interpretation of his words). #layer

hearing that really upset me. like a lot. i couldn't sleep after hearing what he said. one of the main things i've tried to do with my eating disorder is protect others from it. it's why i didn't tell my mom about it for 8 years. that's why i do huge workouts before parties or big dinner events. and i thought my friends were cool with my "pickiness," but it turns out that maybe they just don't always tell me when they aren't. #layer

tonight i went to one of kelli's classes: looking to more consciously choose the best version of myself. kelli was working toward wild thing at the end of practice, and she talked about how when we are in our hearts we can more fully expand in these heartopening poses. i wild-ed out in wild thing, and then wondered if it would be visible--this "being in my heart"--in a photograph. i asked kelli to send me a photo from tonight's practice, and i compared it to one from a year ago when i was much more "armored" (in kelli's words).

the quality of the pictures is vastly different (because of the candlelit class tonight), but you know what? you can see it. i look like i'm forcing my openness in the left picture. but i'm fully embodying it in tonight's picture (on the right).

and that's all i want: to fully embody my heart. peel back all the layers. give up the hiding spots. shine light into all the cracks. let go of all the little broken pieces.

i saw my friend post a madonna song lyric tonight: "all of your life has been a test. you will find the gate that's open, even though your spirit's broken."

that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

working through the next layer.

fear is just fear

"fear is just fear," someone said to me last night. well, duh. what else would it be? fear is fear! and it is scary. it gets in your way. it holds you back. in fact, it can be pretty fucking crippling at times!

but, then i thought about it a little more. she was right. fear is just fear. fear is... just fear. fear is: just fear! it isn't reality. it isn't happening. it isn't even more likely to happen than the alternative!

which is weird, because the amount of attention that we focus on fear would imply that it is a definite--that it is something we need to prepare several months for. but, in fact, whatever fear we have about a situation is only one side of the coin. what about the other awesomeness that might happen--the other awesome outcomes that we haven't even considered?

i'm not saying we shouldn't fear things. because the absence of fear isn't exactly a good thing. fear is an evolutionary mechanism; we need fear. but over-analyzing and focusing on fear can be counter-productive.

so, my new challenge: every time you feel fearful of a decision, a situation, or a possibility, consider the amazing outcomes that are also possible. ...and then, every time you feel the fear creeping in, balance it out with the amazing and awesome possibilities.

balancing fear with awesomeness is just one more step of moving our yoga asana practice into our lives and being a little more balanced in general.

because, after all, fear is just, well, fear.