retreating to my mermaid cave

i do a lot. and then i do a lot more. i spend most evenings outside of my home; meeting friends, going to yoga classes, working out, having drinks, going to museums... anything that pops up and looks interesting. but it can also be super taxing emotionally and physically--and then i need time and space to recover.

and i think all of my best friends are a bit like that as well: i tend to be drawn to people who aren't afraid to try new things, and to do it at the drop of a pin... but i'm also attracted to sensitive people who actually need their own self-care time.

butttttt... i ignore that i need the down time. if someone says at 7pm, "hey; what're you doing? wanna have a quick drink?" i think, "umm, actually, no. i'm super tired; i need to get up at 6am." but what i say is, "yeah, sure! see you in... 20?"

wednesday night bal and i went to see the coffee ground reader. while he was reading my grounds, he said to me, "you're a mermaid. you need more mermaid time; you need to spend more time in your cave."

and bal started cracking. the fuck. UP. it's true. and most of my friends know it's true. i push myself a little too much sometimes. like last night. i had a friend last minute ask for a catch-up.

i thought, "i'm exhausted!"

i said "i'd love to!"

and then i got home, started to run a bath, and thought, "what. am. i. doing. right. now. this. is. in. sane." and texted a semi-cancellation: i asked to change plans slightly to something more low-key. ok, so i didn't fully get mermaid time, but it's a step in the right direction!

this morning in yoga SJ taught a theme of knowing when to step back. oh, synchronicity, how i love you.

there are so many areas of our lives where we need to know when to step back. but there are equally as many when we need to know when to jump off the cliff. i've been doing a lot of jumping lately. i feel nervous about most of the things happening in my life in the last month and the next two months. going to uluru with some girls i don't know? wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time instead of only very rarely? going to NZ with a lovely girl i met once? leading big team meetings with important researchers? risking comfort and security to move across the world (again)?

yeah. jumping.
and, luckily, mostly flying.

it's so hard to know when to keep leaping and when to pull back. but we all need that balance; we all need to continually search for that space where we are making decisions from our heart, and feeling at peace with ourselves and our choices.

so, in other words, if i text you a cancellation, beg for a re-schedule, or just don't make a plan with you right away, please forgive me; right now i'm needing my mermaid time.

but that doesn't mean i don't love you. just spending a little time loving myself up. {insert dirty joke here}

fear is just fear

"fear is just fear," someone said to me last night. well, duh. what else would it be? fear is fear! and it is scary. it gets in your way. it holds you back. in fact, it can be pretty fucking crippling at times!

but, then i thought about it a little more. she was right. fear is just fear. fear is... just fear. fear is: just fear! it isn't reality. it isn't happening. it isn't even more likely to happen than the alternative!

which is weird, because the amount of attention that we focus on fear would imply that it is a definite--that it is something we need to prepare several months for. but, in fact, whatever fear we have about a situation is only one side of the coin. what about the other awesomeness that might happen--the other awesome outcomes that we haven't even considered?

i'm not saying we shouldn't fear things. because the absence of fear isn't exactly a good thing. fear is an evolutionary mechanism; we need fear. but over-analyzing and focusing on fear can be counter-productive.

so, my new challenge: every time you feel fearful of a decision, a situation, or a possibility, consider the amazing outcomes that are also possible. ...and then, every time you feel the fear creeping in, balance it out with the amazing and awesome possibilities.

balancing fear with awesomeness is just one more step of moving our yoga asana practice into our lives and being a little more balanced in general.

because, after all, fear is just, well, fear.