you can't judge my body

a boy recently dumped me because he didn't like my body (too skinny).  at least, that's the reason i interpreted from the one minute break up conversation. 

why does this reason piss me off more than any other reason i've ever heard in my life?  i'm so glad you asked.  BECAUSE I HAVE SPENT YEARS TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE MY BODY.  the last thing i need is someone else telling me they don't like something about it.

when i was thinking about this a little more today, i thought "i don't think anyone i've dated or been friends with has ever judged my body."  i mean i have, for sure.  but i had to scan each person in my life until i finally remembered one other:  a guy i was casually hooking up with about 4 years ago, who was 21 and very buff (and on steroids), told me after sex one day "you know, you could stand to do a few squats." 

i responded "i'm 32; this is the best it's gonna get, honey."

and then i proceeded to never again have sex with him.  but i did start doing a lot more squats.

why?  because i was still very intertwined with my bulimia.  i had just run a marathon; i was nearly the skinniest i've ever been.  i was teaching tons of fitness classes; i was well toned.  there was no reason i should have felt bad about my body, but of course i did.  and hearing it confirmed from someone i had just had sex with tore at my ego.

but this one last week--it hurt way more.  in a totally different way.  i have done a FUCK TON of work to love this body just as it is.  not because of its shape.  but because it houses a beautiful and brave soul.

no one gets to judge my body: no one gets to say i'm too fat.  no one gets to say i'm too thin.  no one gets to say i need to do a few more squats.

INCLUDING ME.

re: that one minute call last week: i don't think i'm maddest about the judgment received or the self-judgement inflicted afterwards; it was that i didn't stick up for the years of work i've done.

i respect each person's unique fetishes and attractions.  i respect each person's decision to date who they want. 

but i really respect myself, and my body.  and so, my gift to myself today, on my 8th wedding anniversary (if i still do that type of thing), is to come to my own defense.

goals

a friend texted me today: "your body is a huge goal of mine... i really love how amazing you look and how you embrace yourself.  spring cooper = fitness goals!"

she said that immediately after receiving this photo from me.  so i instantly thought "she's only saying that bc i know how to take things at amazing angles that make me look better than i am."

i then had to sit with what she said for a minute and think "she has seen me in a swimsuit; she knows what i really look like."

all week i've been feeling bad about my body: comparing myself to others and judging myself. sometimes are harder than others and sometimes i can't identify why. this week was one of those times.  i heard my head yell eating disordered thoughts at me several times this week and weekend.  some of the times i was able to talk back to it; some of the times i was not. (that doesn't mean i ended up binging and purging; it means i ended up believing what it said too much of the time.)

believing harsh thoughts your head screams at you sucks.  it's hard enough when someone else says something.  but when you tell yourself something, you sometimes forget that you CAN fight it.

but the thing is that you can always rephrase. you just have to remember that you can. thank you rachel for reminding me.

lighting? check.  angle? check.  filter? check.  perfect selfie? check.  perfect body? every body is perfect.  including mine.

identity of love

one of my best friends recently told that she was sad because she was no longer a girlfriend. when i asked her why that made her so sad (despite her beautiful friend-filled and fulfilling work life), she replied "being a girlfriend is the thing i'm best at."

i remember feeling like that.  i remember going back to relationships that weren't good for me, despite knowing i shouldn't be in them. despite my friends' advice.  despite any evidence to the contrary.

this friend of mine finally escaped a long-term unhealthy and unhappy relationship.  i'm so proud of her. and i know she is happy now and doesn't doubt her new life.  but i also understand her thought pattern... especially in mid-february.  identifying yourself through a romantic relationship is shockingly normal in our society.

it's pervasive: we publish it through "Facebook official" relationships; we call friend's partners by "so and so's boyfriend (or girlfriend)" instead of by name; we often expect women to take their partner's name in marriage...

i don't think any of this is "good" or "bad" necessarily, but it does become problematic when we start to identify ourselves through our relationships.  i've become lost in relationships before: i've lost my identity; i've lost my sense of self.  and that's probably why her statement affected me so strongly: because i could identify that version of myself that felt like that, and how bad it felt.

i'm really stressed at work right now: there are a ton of things we are working on.  yesterday i was looking through three computer's worth of old files, trying to find something i had written earlier to use for a new project at work.  as i searched, i found a document that looked out of place.  i didn't recognize the title, so i opened it.  this is what i found:

Recurring Nightmare

I try to ignore the constant messages I’m left:

A toxic ex who calls nearly every day.

I try not to think about the memories we share:

At restaurants, grocery stores, bars, the gym…

They persist.

The more I try to purge myself of the relationship,

The more its benefits seem to intensify:

I’m haunted by my ex-best friend/new worst enemy.

“Come on, one more time won’t hurt,

One last go, for old time’s sake;

You know you want to.”

I’m beckoned,

Seduced, and then...

Enthralled again.

I fall into the trap.

My friends tell me to let go, move on:

“You’re better than that!”

My unnatural obsession with the relationship

Confuses people

It steps on the toes of—breaks the kneecaps of—

New relationships; nourishing, amazing,

Filling relationships

And leaves me empty.

So I propose the series;

The "How to Escape Culture’s Influence" Encyclopedia, starting with:

How to Break Up with your Eating Disorder.

Written as a reference.

It would be proudly displayed on every therapist’s shelf;

It would be hidden away in every adolescent girl’s room.

It would have to be a series:
How to Break Up with your Eating Disorder,

How to Meet a Rational Attitude about Food,

How to Hook a Healthy Idea of Exercise,

How to Have a Discriminatory Relationship with the Media,

How to Marry your Positive Body Image,

How to Nurture your Long-term Relationship with your Self…

Because I know that even as I awake from the nightmare,

Again,

Another girl is falling for the same lines.

woah.  *chills*

i don't remember exactly when i wrote that, but it was several years ago. finding it yesterday, after i had already started this blog entry, seemed extra-eerie.

even though i don't like the hold bulimia still tries to exert, there's an old familiarity to the thoughts and behaviors associated with it.  especially when i'm super stressed.  feeling like all my brain power is going to academic endeavors?  easy solution: use old habits of eating/exercise/stress avoidance to get through the day.

i've gotten lost in my eating disorder before.  i've gone back to it over and over.  i've ignored friends' advice.  the familiarity, and the implicit identity that seems to go with it, is so tempting.

(disclaimer: i'm doing fine)

the point is that there is some layer, hiding below the surface, that still likes this eating disorder identity; there is some part of me that still wants to be in this relationship.  i don't think it is a big part. but the sentiment of my friend's candid admission rings true here: "i'm fucking good at this relationship."

you know what is not a good reason for being involved in any type of relationship?
because we are good at it
because it is comfortable
because we identify as part of it

sometimes the extraction is easy.  but often there's layers and layers of it to get through.

but underneath the layers?
self-love
self-identity
self

wait, not everyone schedules flights around their exercise routine?

i won't book a 6am flight because i won't have time to run and do yoga before i catch the flight. and you never know what will happen once you get to the airport and then the destination--flights and transfers could be delayed; who knows if i'd have a chance to workout and get some yoga in once i got to my end point? what if the people i was meeting there weren't understanding of me needing to have workout time?

when talking to some friends at a conference about two years ago, they mentioned that they were getting a taxi together to fly out of berlin the next morning. i wanted in on this deal, but they were all flying a few hours earlier than i was. they asked why my flight was so late in the morning, and i answered simply: umm, because i want to have time to run and do yoga in the morning. they looked at me with a little shock on their faces; one woman said, "it has never occurred to me to book my flights around exercise."

what's funny is that it doesn't sound at all crazy to me. i'm booking flights today to go away this weekend, and my routine is OF COURSE part of the planning. (don't tell my friends that i'm going to visit--sometimes i lie and say that there aren't morning flights available. ahem.) part of this attitude was learned through modelling: my father would never let us leave on our semi-annual car trips to florida until he had run and finished all the things he wanted to do that morning. forget the traffic; we left when dad was ready.

in our overweight society, we've been taught that exercise is good. it's positive. it's something great to do for your body. so most people say "awesome!" when they hear that i'm going for a long run. or "you're so dedicated!" when i do a long yoga practice. they tend to make little allowances for this type of behavior.

but my (not-so-secret) secret is that this is not a positive behavior in my life. when a therapist suggests that i "go for a run" when i feel like binging and purging, i look at her like she's freaking crazy: she's fucking feeding into my disorder, not helping it. obsessive exercise is a real problem. i recently read a great article that is trying to shed a little more light on the disorder. here's an excerpt:

Kristina Saffran, co-founder of Project HEAL, a nonprofit that helps provide treatment for teen girls suffering from eating disorders, says, "They will find time to exercise at any cost, often skipping out on social events or extracurricular activities to get in their daily run. They feel anxious or guilty if they are unable to exercise or if a routine is unexpectedly cut short." The key here, though, is the motivation behind it: As Saffran says, "They exercise primarily to control their weight or 'make up' for calories they have already eaten or are about to eat.”

ummm, yeah. that's me. just yesterday i bailed on going to birthday drinks with a good friend (who's only in australia for a few more days) because i thought i hadn't worked out enough yet. i ended up meeting him later, but i actually was carrying this intense guilt for allowing myself to choose an additional workout over the social situation.

when i hear other people joke about needing to "burn off" something they ate, or when trainers say that people need to "earn" their dessert while working out at the gym, it hurts me. we really don't need to "deserve" to eat our food. we have to eat to live. this attitude that food is something to be balanced out through exercise is harmful; everything balances everything if we approach everything in moderation. i know this. but i have to tell myself that over. and over. and over.

the meditation i read this morning in gabby's new #miraclesnow book was "peace begins with me." i love this because i know that if i practice this peacefulness inside, it can radiate out. gabby says that all relationships in our lives offer that opportunity, and i think that is so beautiful. the relationship i have with myself is where i need the most practice, but this challenging relationship also offers me the most opportunity for growth, change, and healing.

so i keep going back to these challenges, and am honestly sharing my difficulties with them. i apologized to my friend this morning for bailing yesterday afternoon. i am sending this blog post to my friend i'm visiting this weekend (she'll know about the flight lies now!), and i continue to look for opportunities to find the inner peace first.

[my amazing cousin that i love oh-so-much shared this pic on fb this morning. i'm stealing it as a reminder here. i'm so happy that he's been inspired and that he's looking to inspire others. you rock, travis. xo]