icarus

it's the evening of day 20 of my 40 day challenge.  40 days of no substances and no calorie counting.  20 days in: i've learned a few things.

a la movies 

 

no substances: i'm fun, and can party just as ridiculously sans alcohol.  i've been out with friends drinking late on weekend evenings, dancing til the wee hours, totally sober.  well, okay, maybe the diet cokes hyped me up a bit. so maybe 99% sober. 

some people haven't been inviting me to things as much, fearful that i wouldn't go or that i wouldn't have fun without being able to drink. but i don't blame them; i would probably suspect the same of most of my friends. luckily i also have a bestie who is doing the challenge with me.  and we look very cute sober at a movie on a saturday night.

first dates, cocktail parties where i don't know anyone, and business dinners are all a little terrifying without any alcohol. however, i've met a few brave dates open to the challenge, and made friends at parties and dinners despite the sobriety.

personally, i've been feeling more confident and happy: realizing i'm fun on my own and that i can make it through these events sober has translated into less fear overall.   the confidence has even bled into other areas of my life.  i've stood up for myself with colleagues that weren't listening to my expertise, and i've expressed my needs to friends and partners more readily. 

it's also made me much more sympathetic to people who have quit drinking.  i've always thought that recovering from bulimia was very hard because food is something that is necessary: you cannot exist in a world where people do not eat.  although i had sympathy for anyone in any type of recovery, i still felt like "but you don't HAVE to be around (insert drug or alcohol here) if you don't want to!"

but i don't know how true that is for alcohol, really.  it's quite pervasive in our social lives.  although i'm quite happy not drinking right now, i also know that it's not forever.  so to my sober peeps: i'm sorry if i minimized your struggle, even if only in my own mind.  also: i'm totes up for sober parties, even after my 40 days are up.

no counting: eating without counting every bite and calculating each calorie is way less stressful.  i never liked counting every chip at the mexican restaurant, or estimating how many tablespoons of ketchup i just squeezed on to my plate. i was doing it to ease the craziness in my brain, but it was actually only contributing to it.  (i know, i know, if you have never dealt with this issue, it sounds like a "DUH" statement.)

i'm more present when i'm eating with friends.  i listen to them talking instead of re-counting the number of calories i have consumed thus far at the meal.  i can reply to them and engage in conversation instead of calculating whether i have enough calories left in my day to have a bite of the dessert they ordered.

it has been hard, a million moments of each day.  i've created a few thought exercises to distract myself when i start to try to count something on my plate when eating alone or start to try to remember all the things i've eaten in a day. (they involve trying to remember very minute details in other areas of my life.) but, in general, it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  not basing my self-value on a number, and whether or not i feel like it is the right number, is freeing. 

i no longer wake up after a day where i decided i had 200 too many calories with a sense of dread: a feeling that i had to make up for being "bad" the day before by eating less or exercising extra, trying to find extra time for working out or brainstorming places to save calories.  or even panicking because i might have a social event in the evening that i knew would involve alcohol--and extra calories. which leads me to the following. 

and the combo of the two: alcohol has calories. i've definitely played the sorority girl game of eating less to drink more.  i've run extra to drink more.  i've chosen which drinks to enjoy based on their calorie count (no different than foods).

not drinking for the past few weeks has taught me how afraid of alcohol calories i really am: on mornings of social functions i used to feel anxiety.  lately i have not.  and, scarily enough, i've realized it's because i don't feel internal pressure to run an extra few miles to prep for the looming alcohol calories. i can workout the normal amount without the fear of "going over" the calorie count i've allotted for my day.

and i've also started to become terrified for the time when the 40 days is up.  not counting calories has been a really big step in my recovery.  what if i'm not able to refrain from calorie counting when i introduce alcohol back into the equation? what if i try to go overboard on running (again)? what if...

yeah.

if it was one of my friends saying things like this to me, i'd give the advice i always do: wasting time worrying about this in advance of the actual situation is not helpful.  and so, i keep up the meditation and the yoga.  i practice.  and i trust that i can keep flying that line between the sea and the sun.

love letter

let me situate you in my life right now:

• yesterday i went to art therapy and was talking with my therapist about how i was fearful about the idea that other people may not approve of my lifestyle.
• on the way home from that session, i listened to a podcast and heard this: "i got married largely because i was trying to please my mother... neither one of my marriages seemed to make her particularly happy. so it occurred to me that i didn't need to get married to try to make someone else happy. only person i could make happy was me... so I don't need to get married again."
• this morning someone i started seeing recently called me and told me that they didn't want to date me anymore.

this afternoon, here i am, feeling fiercely independent and yet very unsettled. i taught yoga right after the upsetting call this morning, and it was hard to teach.  i centered myself for a few minutes before the class and then taught a class on twisting and releasing.  i expected to leave feeling a little more full, but i had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

the feeling in my stomach was familiar--it was the feeling that used to always trigger binging and purging.  i recognized this and texted a few friends.  texting friends meant that i was less likely to do it: i would have to answer to them later.  i then avoided eating lunch out of the fear that it would lead straight into a binge session.

then, at 4pm, i finally ate something. and didn't binge.  and didn't purge.

i think inherent in risking lots of emotional connections is that i'm sometimes going to feel unsettled about relationships in my life.  but it also means that i have a lot of other people around to talk to when i need extra support.

and so i owe my lovely independence that i love so much to you all.  xo

practicing grace

this weekend i practiced with kelli at her beautiful home in avalon. the theme of the class was "presence," which is perfect as a constant theme. i was feeling the need to practice presence that day, and had even worn my non-watch that reminds me of that fact. when things are crazy and swirling in my life and in my head, practicing presence is non-negotiable.

presence is one of those things that if we don't constantly practice, we can lose. but really, everything is like that. and anything that we want in our life needs to have attention focused on it. more and more i realize that when i put my attention somewhere, and when i direct my energy toward that thing i want in my life, it happens.

i made a list of things i wanted to happen this year. no. not "happen;" things i wanted to create in my life. and they're all manifesting. it's almost ridiculous that they're all actually becoming real in my life. i've been practicing placing my energy where i want it, and i've been cultivating little miracles. over and over.

one of the things that kelli mentioned during class was that the only way to embody something in our lives was to practice it constantly. and she mentioned grace.

grace.
beautiful.
amazing.
grace.

now that is something i want more of in my life.

grace is smoothness. it is elegance. it is one of those gorgeous, yet sometimes elusive, qualities that most people want to embody. i always strive for that on my mat, but sometimes i forget about it in my every day life. but, since saturday afternoon, i've been focusing more on practicing it throughout my days. i was originally thinking about grace in terms of movement, but the more i thought about it, i knew i wanted to also practice grace in how i live.

bustle on the train? grace.
someone pushing past me in the grocery line? grace.
washing dishes? grace.
panic about trying a new food? grace.
feeling fat? grace.

i practiced grace so many times yesterday. and when there were times that i felt a little un-present, i re-aligned with what i had been practicing. i.e. i practiced again.

i taught this theme in yoga tonight so i could get more practice, and share the practice. we used the hard positions; we used child's pose; we used the transitions.

oh. the transitions. both in yoga and in life, transitions can be bitches. just before yoga tonight i had a friend tell me that she had just started menopause. as someone who did her PhD project on periods, that excited me. she mentioned that it kind of made her sad, because she was ending a stage of her life. i responded that she was also beginning a new stage; that she got to have this "right of passage" into.

but, also, i get it. being between things can be hard. but that's also an extra place to practice grace.

i did yoga with kathryn budig on yogaglo this morning. the class was about loving your body, but more than anything, it reminded me about the quality of grace. the natural love and supportiveness that seems to accompany the idea of grace.

that's what i want in my life: i want to live in a place of gratitude. and so? i will focus on my soul. i will focus on my heart. i will practice seeing grace in myself and in others. i will know that i am whole. that i am perfect.

(and you are too.)

addendum: a week after teaching this theme in class, a friend and yoga student came up to me and told me that she had named her public transport card "practicing grace" so that every time she topped it up she would be reminded that she wanted more grace in her life. how beautiful is that? so full of grace; love you AD. xx

just ask already

i have a friend who always complains to me that she isn't getting what she wants out of a romantic relationship. and i always ask her, "oh, have you talked to that person about what you want?" and she always says NO. (which, yeah, i know she hasn't done.)

another friend told me a few nights ago that he would rather do anything than ask for help. and i quote: "if i was bleeding to death, i'd rather walk than get a lift from someone; ideally i'd stitch myself up so the hospital wouldn't have to help."

complaining is easy; suffering in silence can be taxing; asking for what you want can be really fucking hard. but guess what? it's THE ONLY WAY to absolutely get what you want.

i just read a #miraclesnow post about this and gabby says she sees it everywhere: people don't want to ask for a raise, ask for help, or even ask someone to listen to what they have to say. one key is that you have to know what you want to ask for (another blog i wrote about this: attracting abundance). once that's identified, there's still that block about actually doing the asking.

one of the things i've had the most trouble with is asking people for help. lately i've begun to get a little more comfortable with this. i'm not sure exactly why; i think it's just that i kinda finally realized that my friends don't mind helping me. sure, i love helping my friends, but i always thought it would be terrible for them to have to help me. independence was always a very highly valued characteristic in my life. being single in a big city has taught me that sometimes i need help, though: sometimes things get hectic.

asking for help when i feel like i'm going to binge and purge: ehhh, sometimes. asking for help when i need some general support: that's a little easier. asking for a ride to or from the airport: last year? probably not. but now, yeah, you better believe i'll ask you. because it's way more fun, way easier, and way cheaper. (ps: who wants to take me to the airport may 28? kthanks.) so, i'm getting there.


my bestie found a dresser in my trash last weekend (well, in the trash room--it was in great condition!). she needed help getting it to her apartment, but she didn't want to ask most of our friends. she felt uncomfortable asking for something that seemed like a big favor. i tried to convince her that people would either say yes or no; it wasn't her job to decide whether or not someone was able or willing to help her. she finally did find someone to help her, and now she has a great dresser... and for free! and i wonder: was it really that terrible asking for a friend's help... was it really worth all the worry she invested?

yeah: i'm saying you should ask for help, in whatever situation. and i'm saying i've been trying... but i still don't always do it. a friend helped me clean my whole apartment this morning before some guests showed up for the week. like he cleaned the floor of my bathroom. umm, i don't want you to be grossed out, but i've NEVER cleaned the floor of my bathroom in the past year and a half in that apartment. (ahem, but the shower water basically does it for me, right?) i didn't ask him to help, but i was the most grateful i could have ever been. and i wondered afterward why i didn't actually just ask him, or someone, for some help. what's the worst that would happen? one of my friends would say "not this time"? hmmm, i guess that wouldn't be so terrible, huh?

even though i didn't ask for help this morning, i got it. but i think that part of it could've been that i'm occasionally super lucky in life. [and i'm always super lucky in friends!!]

ok. so maybe there's some fear surrounding asking for what you want. but approaching it with an expectation of love and miracles can have an amazing effect. try it with something little first. even try it silently with the universe first. then work up to telling the boy you like that you want to date him seriously. (AHEM, you know who you are!)

because "you just might find, you get what you need." xo

my letter to y'all

i'm grateful for my friends. (like really really really really really grateful.) i'm pretty sure i have the most amazing friends in all the world. you all support me through everything and make my life worth living. you each have taught me so many things. (i want to do shout outs to every single one of you!!)

i'm grateful for my family. i hear other people talk about their families; i realize how lucky i am to come from a loving family.

i'm grateful for my parents. my parents gave us everything. they are the best parents two girls could have. they continue to parent me from across the world.

i'm grateful for my sister. my sister is an amazing woman and an amazing partner in crime. sister perverts forever.

i'm grateful for all of my experiences. even the sucky ones. they got me here.

i'm grateful for my education. i'm so thankful to be as fortunate as i am and to have all the education and training i've received.

i'm grateful for getting to live all over the world. and for travelling. and for seeing.

i'm grateful for sunshine. i love the sun.

i'm grateful for being well nourished. in every way.

i'm grateful for my body. i will not forget this. i'm grateful for what my body can do.

i'm grateful for yoga. i freaking love yoga. and what it does for me. and what it offers me.

i'm grateful for a job i love. umm. i get to talk about sex at work.

i'm grateful for my home. i live in a beautiful space that i feel so comfortable in.

i'm grateful for living in sydney. (the best city in the world.)

i'm grateful for pumpkin. and grateful that sydney will put pumpkin on or in every type of food.

i'm grateful for coffee. every morning i'm grateful for coffee. i'm even more grateful when one of my besties brings it to me in my bed. (thanks matt!)

i'm grateful for sparkling water. who knew i could love water?

i'm grateful for my mannequin. roxie: you go, girl.

i'm grateful for blackmilk. (come on, you knew this would be on the list!)

i'm grateful for workaholics. for entertainment. for being able to laugh. for enjoying laughter. for laughing hysterically and making people think there's something alarmingly wrong.

i'm grateful for shamika (my phone). she keeps me connected to friends near and far.

i'm grateful for love. all the love around me. big big big love. xo

attracting abundance

"we only receive what we ask for. but we must know what to ask for. and we must also know to ask." elena brower quoted douglas brooks in a yogaglo class i took a few days ago and i freaked out. i was like, "yeah. YEAH! so freaking true!" and so freaking hard. it requires quite a bit of bravery to know these things, and to accept the abundance that comes. i'm practicing saying these things. so i can get used to believing them.

i am grateful for what i have.
i welcome all the gifts the day will bring.
i am abundant and free.

in a talk about buddhist ethics and karma, douglas brooks says:

instead of being greedy, we can always be generous. when you're always generous, greed will never appear again. there is nothing to gain. there is nothing to lose. and everything to give.

giving creates abundance. in every realm. recently i was asked to change the time of a yoga class i was teaching, from 7pm to 730pm. changing the time meant that our class would have a bigger, better room to practice in. but also, it meant that i would get home at 945 instead of 915pm (and still without dinner!). i was reluctant to change the time, but i chose to trust that this was going to be a positive shift for the class. tonight was the second class at the new time, and guess what has happened? the class has doubled in size; the energy in the class is insanely amazing; i can't stop smiling and saying how happy i am at the end of each class. the giving of my time and energy to this class has created incredible abundance that i am sooooo grateful for.

abundance comes in many forms. right now one of my bestest friends from the US is visiting me. and all i know is that there is crazy abundance glowing around me. i am so grateful for the love. for the friendship. for the experiences and memories. i'm loving every moment. and i'm love inspired.

#chuckinaustralia