through your eyes

i was at a birthday party a couple of nights ago talking to a friend i don't see very often. he gave me a few compliments that were hard to hear--because they were so genuine and nice.

like SO nice. i kept saying "really?!" to things he was saying, and he kept saying "oh, come on, you know this; i'm sure your five best friends tell you this all the time!"

when i repeated these things back to kitty (still in disbelief), she said "umm, i tell you that ALL THE TIME!" oh. hmm.

three lessons here: 1) we don't tell our friends genuine things enough. 2) sometimes we may not hear or believe the things our very best friends tell us. 3) we often have no idea how others see us.

if you asked me how i see myself, this is what i would say: i'm just a girl.

sure, i know i am talented and have a lot of good qualities. but everyone has their own talents. and everyone has some great qualities. so i guess i just don't really feel that special most of the time. but it's really a strange thing to hear yourself described by someone else. luckily for me, it was also positive.

there's this old episode of "this american life" that i love so much i've listened to it a few times, and i never listen or watch things more than once. this episode is haunting, but amazing: it's called see no evil. the episode is all about pretending that things are ok and ignoring things that are uncomfortable--on personal, business, and national levels. in the first segment, there is a family struggling to see the bad in one of their loved ones. even when that something is really bad.

why is it that we can only see the most amazing things about our loved ones but we struggle to see those things in ourselves?

there's this exercise in gabby's 40 days book that has you look into the mirror and say things to yourself as if you were saying them to a best friend or lover. the exercise is quite confronting, and hard to get through. i've gone back to this a few times to try to get it "right." but it's always hard. (i dare you to try it.)

telling yourself those nice things, and believing them, is something that takes practice. we can do it on the mat or off. we can practice cultivating inner strength and power by breathing through a challenging yoga pose or by breathing through a difficult conversation.

after seeing kanye friday night, i taught a theme in yoga about stepping up to a stronger more powerful version of yourself: like believing SO MUCH in your inner strength and power. but not for ego reasons (yeah, i'm calling you on that one kanye). when we truly believe in ourselves, we can do more; we can give more; we can become more; we can inspire more.

we can manifest miracles.

and it's important to do. hard work... but super important.

practicing believing what i hear. love to you N for your words saturday night. i actually heard what you said. and it means a lot to me.

sharing the love back. words to KK you may need right now: you're smart, intelligent, genuine, kind, caring, loving, and loveable. to A going for a job interview later today: you're going to rock it. #nodoubts and to all y'all: you have it inside you too. xx

endings/beginnings/circles

i sobbed for about 100% of the 15 minute savasana in yoga tonight: this flash of something my friend anthony said to me about 8 months ago popped into my head. and then all of these memories came flooding in: anthony insisting on phone numbers for every one of my million dates per week; anthony spying on me while on dates, checking up on me; anthony checking in on me when i felt depressed; anthony making me come over when i insisted i couldn't get out of pajamas.

never mind anthony creating and then having train club with me several times a week, distracting me via funny snapchats across the table at work meetings, covering for me when i needed a mental health day (or had a date at the beach).

more than anyone, anthony has been there for me consistently since my husband left almost two years ago. anthony has been that strong, centered, consistent, and reasonable (yet ridiculous) voice that i've listened to when i refused to listen to anyone.

ever have something bad happen and ALL you want to do is prove that you're ok? i don't think i really knew it, but that was me. i tried to prove i was ok after my husband left in about 100 ways: oh, i'll just date all the time; oh, i'll live by myself and make it on my own; oh, i'll be super tough and independent and not lean on anyone.

oh, wait. maybe i don't have to.

anthony stepped in when i didn't know i needed it, and he has been one of the best supports, colleagues, and friends that i could've asked for.

and, this weekend, he moves back to the US.

i'm heartbroken. i am actually heartbroken. i am more heartbroken that when my husband left. anthony helped me and he helped me help myself become whole again. and thinking about him leaving is something i've avoided. HARD CORE.

when anthony practiced his leaving speech for our boss, when anthony discussed plans to get his dog tillie home, when anthony talked about plans for his new apartment: i put my fingers in my ears and say "i don't want to talk about this."

but that hasn't changed anything. he's still leaving. he's going on to a great job at a great university and a great new life.

and i know that i'll still be part of it. but i'm still sooo soooo soooooo sad.

so it hit me tonight. and it hit hard.

and it has me thinking about beginnings: starting a new life after a friend or partner leaves, starting a new job, moving to a new country, or just trying a new yoga class.

and about endings: relationship ending, leaving a job, leaving a home, letting go of something that hasn't been serving you.

beginnings aren't always rosy. they're not always easy. and endings aren't always sad or difficult. but you know what both beginnings and endings always are? the same: it's all the same circle. it's all just life.

and i'm super grateful for this life. and grateful for all the amazingness that i've found along the way, including my amazing relationships with friends and partners.

and, anthony, i'll miss you most of all. (yeah, that's an OZ reference. super appropriate leaving AUS and all... but umm, no comment on the brain thing... ;) xx tony

through the rabbit hole: the new normal

i was in yoga class tonight and richard, one of my all-time favorite yoga teachers, made us do a sequence on our toes. and, as everyone was thinking "WHEN THE FUCK DO WE GET TO PUT OUR HEELS DOWN?!" he casually said, just think "this is the new normal." and how appropriate was it that i was wearing my alice in wonderland blackmilks in class tonight? down the rabbit hole into wonderland--that's having to get used to a new normal (or a new madness) quite quickly.

i laughed out loud when richard said this. (yeah, i totes LOL in yoga class.) and then i thought, "it really can be that easy, though, can't it?"

we get stuck in habits. in patterns. in our set ways of doing things. we forget there are other ways. we forget that we might have even had a different way at another point in our life.

then, something shifts. and suddenly, we're in a new normal. sometimes without even realizing we are there.

but, other times, we search for a new normal. we look for ways to shift. we LONG for any catalyst. and yet we still can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. we become sure there is not even an end to the tunnel. we decide we might as well die in that tunnel.

i've been in that tunnel. i've lived in that tunnel: i've been sure i was stuck in a marriage i could never get out of; i've been sure bulimia and exercise would overpower every thought for the rest of my life. i've been sure that my dark tunnels weren't tunnels, but rabbit holes that i would have to make the best of for my remaining days.

but you know what? there is always a new normal. there is always a fucking way out.

easier example? i thought i'd never adjust to living in australia. i thought i'd never understand the mobile phone plans (umm, i call them "cell phones" in america, guys!). i thought i'd never adjust to a more relaxed work-life (umm, yeah, that may have been a faster adjustment). i thought i'd never understand the slang. but now i eat brekky with mates, not worrying over whether i'll get to the office before that arvo, and i even offer to call my friends' mobile phone carriers to help sort their over-priced plans. it just happened: a new normal was created. and i live in it. and i love it. and i didn't have to MAKE it happen.

medium example? i've begun to be less reactive. i've worked a lot on understanding why i respond the way i do in various situations. i used to be super reactive: i would lash out when something upset me, regardless of the cause or who was involved. but, as i've worked around this, i've started to change. a few nights ago a friend was SUPER SNIPPY with me on the phone. and i found myself saying, "no, look, that's ok. i can easily change plans." after the call i thought "wow. a year ago i would've said, 'fuck you!' and hung up. even a few months ago i think i would've said, 'look, you're being a jackass; i'll just talk to you later.' but look at how i can calmly respond now!" i know i've worked a lot at it, but it's nice to be able to acknowledge this shift: this new normal i've been noticing myself creating and living.

harder example? i started to learn to appreciate food as fuel instead of calories. doing handel coaching with elena, i had to photo all my meals. AND LISTEN TO HER FEEDBACK about them. because of this, i had to have more conversations with my friends about how my eating habits affected them. i had to make promises to elena about my eating and exercise habits. i had to learn to take control of my choices and understand that these choices were giving me life.

every day of that was difficult and challenging in new ways. but 6 weeks after that food photo diary began, i think i've made drastic changes from where i was. i did binge and purge once recently: last week. but something i noticed about it? it was hard. not the physical act, but the emotional act. my head wasn't on board. it was like "what the fuck are you doing? why are you doing this? what is happening here?"

i talked about some of these themes with my friend lydia recently, and she said to me, "yeah, well, it's because it's not normal for you to binge and purge anymore; you've created a new way of thinking." oh. yeah. a new normal. my friend kelli has been trying to drill my body image shift into my head every time i see her. (i'm starting to hear her.)

this new normal wasn't easy to find. it isn't even easy for me to acknowledge: i still binged and purged last week--fighting the internal dialogue and self-trust i've built to do so. i was actively trying to NOT acknowledge my progress.

and i think that's one of the most important things here: we have to be able to RECOGNIZE when we have a new normal. we have to live in it--because that is where we are at that moment. we have to always be in the present. we have to stop letting our past dictate our futures.

i had a friend of a friend tell me recently that he had trust issues in relationships. when i asked why, he told me about something an ex had done. i said, "but your next partner isn't that person in that other situation. that person who hurt you isn't the same person they were then. even you aren't the same person you were in that situation. why would you let that experience color what might happen next?"

and he just looked at me in awe... or like i was crazy. i'm not sure. sometimes i confuse that look.

but either way, i'm appreciating the new normal i've been actively designing. and i'm super-appreciating all those in my life that keep helping me notice it (besides those already mentioned, KR, OCS, BP, AJS, MJR, SP... i know y'all got my back).

because "i can't go back to yesterday; i was a different person then!" ~lewis carroll, alice in wonderland

just ask already

i have a friend who always complains to me that she isn't getting what she wants out of a romantic relationship. and i always ask her, "oh, have you talked to that person about what you want?" and she always says NO. (which, yeah, i know she hasn't done.)

another friend told me a few nights ago that he would rather do anything than ask for help. and i quote: "if i was bleeding to death, i'd rather walk than get a lift from someone; ideally i'd stitch myself up so the hospital wouldn't have to help."

complaining is easy; suffering in silence can be taxing; asking for what you want can be really fucking hard. but guess what? it's THE ONLY WAY to absolutely get what you want.

i just read a #miraclesnow post about this and gabby says she sees it everywhere: people don't want to ask for a raise, ask for help, or even ask someone to listen to what they have to say. one key is that you have to know what you want to ask for (another blog i wrote about this: attracting abundance). once that's identified, there's still that block about actually doing the asking.

one of the things i've had the most trouble with is asking people for help. lately i've begun to get a little more comfortable with this. i'm not sure exactly why; i think it's just that i kinda finally realized that my friends don't mind helping me. sure, i love helping my friends, but i always thought it would be terrible for them to have to help me. independence was always a very highly valued characteristic in my life. being single in a big city has taught me that sometimes i need help, though: sometimes things get hectic.

asking for help when i feel like i'm going to binge and purge: ehhh, sometimes. asking for help when i need some general support: that's a little easier. asking for a ride to or from the airport: last year? probably not. but now, yeah, you better believe i'll ask you. because it's way more fun, way easier, and way cheaper. (ps: who wants to take me to the airport may 28? kthanks.) so, i'm getting there.


my bestie found a dresser in my trash last weekend (well, in the trash room--it was in great condition!). she needed help getting it to her apartment, but she didn't want to ask most of our friends. she felt uncomfortable asking for something that seemed like a big favor. i tried to convince her that people would either say yes or no; it wasn't her job to decide whether or not someone was able or willing to help her. she finally did find someone to help her, and now she has a great dresser... and for free! and i wonder: was it really that terrible asking for a friend's help... was it really worth all the worry she invested?

yeah: i'm saying you should ask for help, in whatever situation. and i'm saying i've been trying... but i still don't always do it. a friend helped me clean my whole apartment this morning before some guests showed up for the week. like he cleaned the floor of my bathroom. umm, i don't want you to be grossed out, but i've NEVER cleaned the floor of my bathroom in the past year and a half in that apartment. (ahem, but the shower water basically does it for me, right?) i didn't ask him to help, but i was the most grateful i could have ever been. and i wondered afterward why i didn't actually just ask him, or someone, for some help. what's the worst that would happen? one of my friends would say "not this time"? hmmm, i guess that wouldn't be so terrible, huh?

even though i didn't ask for help this morning, i got it. but i think that part of it could've been that i'm occasionally super lucky in life. [and i'm always super lucky in friends!!]

ok. so maybe there's some fear surrounding asking for what you want. but approaching it with an expectation of love and miracles can have an amazing effect. try it with something little first. even try it silently with the universe first. then work up to telling the boy you like that you want to date him seriously. (AHEM, you know who you are!)

because "you just might find, you get what you need." xo

attracting abundance

"we only receive what we ask for. but we must know what to ask for. and we must also know to ask." elena brower quoted douglas brooks in a yogaglo class i took a few days ago and i freaked out. i was like, "yeah. YEAH! so freaking true!" and so freaking hard. it requires quite a bit of bravery to know these things, and to accept the abundance that comes. i'm practicing saying these things. so i can get used to believing them.

i am grateful for what i have.
i welcome all the gifts the day will bring.
i am abundant and free.

in a talk about buddhist ethics and karma, douglas brooks says:

instead of being greedy, we can always be generous. when you're always generous, greed will never appear again. there is nothing to gain. there is nothing to lose. and everything to give.

giving creates abundance. in every realm. recently i was asked to change the time of a yoga class i was teaching, from 7pm to 730pm. changing the time meant that our class would have a bigger, better room to practice in. but also, it meant that i would get home at 945 instead of 915pm (and still without dinner!). i was reluctant to change the time, but i chose to trust that this was going to be a positive shift for the class. tonight was the second class at the new time, and guess what has happened? the class has doubled in size; the energy in the class is insanely amazing; i can't stop smiling and saying how happy i am at the end of each class. the giving of my time and energy to this class has created incredible abundance that i am sooooo grateful for.

abundance comes in many forms. right now one of my bestest friends from the US is visiting me. and all i know is that there is crazy abundance glowing around me. i am so grateful for the love. for the friendship. for the experiences and memories. i'm loving every moment. and i'm love inspired.

#chuckinaustralia

universal alignment

it's like sometimes the universe aligns. and re-aligns. and then fucking aligns again. and you're like WOAH. WOAH. WOAHHHHHHHHHH. hold the fuck up. hold. the. fuck. up.

because it's just too much.

and i'm not suggesting it's always a great feeling when this happens. it's intense. things just fall into place. and you don't know what happened. or how it happened. but it all fucking happened. you feel knocked over. you feel broken open. you feel raw. you feel scared. if you're lucky, you also feel connected and supported through that time.

personally, the last week has been a little bit of an emotional week. good mostly. meeting new people: feeling vulnerable in ways i haven't in a long time... which is also a little uncomfortable. re-connecting with distanced friends; deepening connections and ties... which is also sometimes anxiety-producing; not knowing what's next.

because of these things, i've also gradually been letting go of a lot of pain and hurt. i didn't even realize i was letting go of it. i noticed this weekend that i wasn't mad at someone that had hurt me recently. i had been pretty pissed off about this hurt for a couple of weeks, and the realization i had this weekend that i wasn't mad any longer was a little confusing. and then, today, i had two people who i hadn't seen in a few months (one this morning and one this evening) stop me and tell me how radiant and happy i looked. both times i blushed, smiled, and swept it aside. must be the haircut.

then i went to yoga tonight. theme: letting go. physically. through the breath. emotionally. through the heart. just really fucking letting go. easy, yeah?

no.

tears streamed through the entire class. i didn't even know why. i knew i was releasing. i knew i was making space. i knew it felt good.

and then, the universe re-aligned again. one of my nearest and dearest sent me a text saying "i am not in a good space right now" two minutes after i left the yoga room. i was there. i was open and vulnerable and spacious and ready. i felt like i could be there for my friend in a way i hadn't allowed myself to be there for someone before. i felt like i was raw and honest and supportive and strong all at the same time. it was hard. it was scary. not wanting to lose reception on the train for even a second, the tears streamed continuously as i walked the hour home.

another hour later, and here i am on the other side. my heart is hurting for my friend. my heart is forgiving myself. and my heart is shifting and opening for my tomorrows.

thanks to kelli for love and support in yoga tonight; to kitty for her always constant check-ins; and to all my loved ones that are hurting right now. lots of big fucking love to you.