- yesterday i went to art therapy and was talking with my therapist about how i was fearful about the idea that other people may not approve of my lifestyle.
- on the way home from that session, i listened to a podcast and heard this: "i got married largely because i was trying to please my mother... neither one of my marriages seemed to make her particularly happy. so it occurred to me that i didn't need to get married to try to make someone else happy. only person i could make happy was me... so I don't need to get married again."
- this morning someone i started seeing recently called me and told me that they didn't want to date me anymore.
the feeling in my stomach was familiar--it was the feeling that used to always trigger binging and purging. i recognized this and texted a few friends. texting friends meant that i was less likely to do it: i would have to answer to them later. i then avoided eating lunch out of the fear that it would lead straight into a binge session.
then, at 4pm, i finally ate something. and didn't binge. and didn't purge.
i think inherent in risking lots of emotional connections is that i'm sometimes going to feel unsettled about relationships in my life. but it also means that i have a lot of other people around to talk to when i need extra support.
and so i owe my lovely independence that i love so much to you all. xo