Sunday, October 12, 2014

i don't believe you

warning. not an actual blog post. just a rant really.

i haven't really talked to one of my best friends in a week. i tried to call a few times, but i never got through. tonight we finally talked. i wanted to know what was going on and i explained how i felt ignored. i was told that the reason we hadn't been talking was because of a photo i sent that was unappreciated. or rather, the interpreted context was unappreciated. but the interpretation was not correct. classic he said/she said really.

after chatting for 45 minutes, i was left feeling worse than before our delayed talk. mainly i felt betrayed that one of the people closest to me didn't believe me. one of the people who knows all the things about me. someone i tell my deep-seated fears and share all my anxieties with.

i'm not sure why i believe everything everyone says, regardless of the level of my relationship with that person. it could be me being gullible, or it could be my eternal optimism about humanity. but whatever the case, if you tell me something, i will straight up believe it. especially if you're a good friend.

and so of course i'm hurt: i don't feel nurtured or cared about by this friend. of course i feel like i'm being judged. of course i feel pretty fucking shitty. because i don't feel like i'm getting the same respect that i offer out.

-->another reminder of how every relationship in our life takes effort, i guess.

i then rehashed this conversation with two other besties (umm, duh). advice back: blog it out. and: i don't need that in my life; let go of the friendship.

1) so i'm blogging. i don't feel like i have something to say; i'm just trying to cleanse.

2) i can't just let go of someone i care about. i had a friend do that to me when she felt like i didn't fit exactly how she wanted me to respond to a situation. eventually we got to be friends again, but i know how badly that felt. just because i don't like the response i'm receiving right now, i'm not willing to cut a friend out of my life.

but what am i supposed to do?

this morning matt arrived from the US for a week's vacation. i'm super psyched he's here. he reminded me of my mantras from my energy healer. (in an affectionate making fun of me way.) i re-read them today after he mentioned them. and the part that is ringing loudly right now is: I feel safe expressing my truth now that I'm detached from the outcome.


speaking my truth as i feel it right now. detaching from the outcome; just putting it out there. because that has to feel better than this.


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