Thursday, October 16, 2014
guess i'm going to be a new yorker
shocked? me too. i have never really thought of myself as a NYC girl. and i LOVE sydney with a passion... like it is my favorite city in the world; i've never felt at home somewhere like i do in sydney.
so wtf am i doing? well. i got an amazing job offer from the CUNY school of public health that i could not turn down. which is so so so fantastic.
and scary as anything.
making this decision has been one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i had at least four iterations of my pro/con list. i talked it over with everyone. i talked to my life coach. i went to see a coffee ground reader. i made a decision and then changed my mind. i went to see an energy healer. the thing i was most fearful of was that i would make the wrong decision and end up regretting it.
but how did i actually make the decision? i didn't. the decision made itself.
i had thought about it over and over. i went running and went through all the future scenarios. i talked about it until i couldn't talk about it anymore. i felt like i just couldn't make this decision, that i was incapable. so, instead, i did yoga. a lot of yoga. and then one morning, lying there in savasana after class, the decision came. it just kinda appeared in my belly really. this feeling of "yeah, i have to go." then i laid there and cried my little heart out. and then i facetimed my sister: i knew she would be overjoyed that australia hadn't stolen me for good.
when i talked to lydia about some hard decisions she was making, she told me that sometimes you can't force a decision; you can't make it until it is ready to be made. and then? it will manifest itself. she told me that, and i went, woah, YES; that is exactly what happened with the new york decision. it manifested itself once the decision was ready to be made. that's not to say i didn't think about it (TONS). but it couldn't be forced. no matter how many times my friends kept asking "did you make the decision yet?"
so. things that helped?
--every single little conversation with every friend and family member. (too many to list; thank you all so much!)
--this TED talk. (thanks nyree!)
--mish reminding me over and over that i had to make the decision for ME.
--matt saying "moving to NYC doesn't mean you can't ever live in sydney again."
--anthony promising to look out for me in NYC.
--my sister's pregnant belly.
things that made it the hardest to choose NYC?
--having to tell kitty i was leaving: i have never felt so nervous to tell someone something. i didn't want to see the look on her face. i didn't want to have to hear her cry.
--losing regular contact with adi, my co-founder of big sisters' club.
--thinking about leaving my PhD students that i love: don't worry hayden and mandy; we will figure this out.
--leaving a yoga community i love (yes, this means you, kel).
--realizing i would be doing it alone. <--this might have been the scariest
--and dreading leaving a place i call home; a place i love; a place and culture i've come to embrace.
recently someone asked me where i grew up. my stock answer is: i don't have a home; i grew up all over the US. but when i was asked a week ago, i said: well i did most of my growing up right here.
and that's the truth. i came to sydney newly married, a fresh PhD, and still pretty naive about a lot of things. i'm leaving quite a different girl. or rather, woman, i suppose. the amount of things i've learned about myself, my relationships, and the world in general, while in sydney ensures that a piece of my heart will always be here.
and so. if you're a friend in the states: i'll be back in january; come to NYC!! if you're a friend in sydney: start to try to see me A LOT. if you're a friend who has always wanted to visit me in sydney: HURRY THE FUCK UP.
but wherever you are, you know i'll keep in touch. i'm good at this "my life is online" thing.
“and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." --Anaïs Nin xo