and then i remembered something elena told me to consider this past week: "who do i think i'm punishing with my eating disorder? the only person i'm fucking over is myself." binging and purging wasn't going to teach anyone a lesson. it wasn't going to bring me closer to anyone in my life. it wasn't going to accomplish any goal i am working toward.
and i really don't need to punish myself any further.
so i spent the afternoon walking sydney's streets. i ran into a few friends and had sidewalk chats; i stopped and bought some art materials; i planned and bought groceries to make myself dinner; i listened to a podcast about the history of zoos; and i had a good chat with a bff. in other words: i took care of myself. i chose not to punish myself.
most things we do to ourselves are not at all productive. but we've learned them somewhere along the way. we've chosen to take these behaviors in to our life. and it can take so much effort to choose new behaviors.
i was thinking about all this while painting tonight, and little lion man came on my playlist, and i was like YES.
Take all the courage you have left
And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine/ And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time/ Didn't I, my dear?
my heart's on the line, and i choose to give it everything. because i deserve it. we all do. and yolo.