my email reply to NK

hey girl.

in response to your ego, to your questions, to your struggles...

cliche time: recovery is a journey. we're never really there. i can feel so amazing for months and then binge and purge. or i might not binge and purge, but i'll have a day where all i think about is what i'm eating, when i'm eating it, and how i can work off the calories. having days where i am consumed by eating disordered thoughts is terrible. thank god those days are much more rare now. but they still happen.

what i do know is that when i have a bad day, it isn't the end of the world. even if i binge and purge, my recovery is not ruined. i'm still committed to being whole. i'm still committed to loving myself fully. i can forgive myself for these missteps and move on. because i know that i don't want to live that way. (it's actually a pretty sucky way to live.) and i can watch myself trying new restaurants, trying new foods, not special ordering something, taking a day off from working out... and i can recognize the progress. i can see the amazingness of my life that i'm creating for myself now.

working out is still a struggle. i want to work out every day. i want to spend most of my day working out. i want to go for a run. and then i want to walk everywhere i'm going. and then i want to teach a spin class. and then i want to do yoga. and then i want to do yin yoga. and then i want to do some handstands. and then i might want to go for another run. depending on if i ate or drank "too many" calories. ok. that was yesterday.

how do i balance those crazy days? well, i've finally just started to figure that out. i feel like i can't force myself to balance them, that i can't fight them. but when i focus my attention on choosing love, or when i focus my attention on designing happiness in my life, i notice that i forget to listen to the crazy thoughts. for a while i just don't hear the voices; or i can somehow ignore them. but it almost isn't something i consciously do... it's something i've just noticed happening more and more. i think one of the main things that has swung this around has been writing it out. acknowledging what i do, why i do it, and making it public to the world. when i can't hide from what i'm struggling with, the light gets in. and thank god for the fucking light.

so, keep sharing it. keep telling me. and i'll keep telling the world.

xoxo

ps i loved the coconutty banana bread you gave me!