i will trust in myself

yoga teacher confession: i can't do a handstand in the middle of the room.

i know how to teach it. i know how to help others in it. i can even hold a two minute handstand at the wall. but i can't handstand in the middle of the room. this has been a mystery to me for the past two years. but, yesterday, i figured it out.

it isn't about information. it isn't about strength. it's about not trusting myself: my intuition, my inner self.

and you know what? that sucks. because if it was just alignment, or strength, i would immediately know what to do to work on it. but trusting myself? hold up. that's hard work.

what's weird is that i thought i trusted myself. but maybe i lost a little bit of that somewhere. just last week someone said to me: "oh, that's great; you're learning to trust yourself!" i paused when i heard that, and thought, "am i? is that something i need to learn?" so when, in a yoga teachers' workshop yesterday, christina sell talked about the different things students may need to complete a yoga pose, and she mentioned "trust in self," it all clicked. that freaking handstand!! the missing ingredient is trust in myself.

yesterday a friend and his daughter were playing with me. they were showing off a trick they've been practicing: daddy on his knees, hands palm up. she stands on his hands, and he lifts her a few inches off the floor. in order to keep steady, the 3 year old needs to engage her core, use her balance, and... trust herself. sure, she wobbled a little, but she smiled the whole time... because she completely trusted herself.

i'm sure i trusted myself when i was young. my 3-year-old self would never stand for the negative self-talk and self-doubt that pervades my mind at times. she wouldn't understand where those thoughts came from. she would say, "STOP IT, SILLY!" because she would know that i'm whole. that i'm good enough. that i'm amazing. and that i shine.

i'm not sure where my self-trust went exactly; i can't really figure that out. and i don't know that that is even the important thing here. but i know i want to change it. i want to believe what the 3-year-old spring believed. so i will use my intuition: i am committing to trusting in it, to begin to follow it instinctively.

and then i will handstand in the middle of the room. maybe not tonight. maybe not tomorrow.

but maybe by the day after tomorrow. i just need a little practice.

**addendum. three days after writing this post, i came across elena's yogaglo class on trusting in yourself. it blew my mind, and is the perfect practice to share with you here. thank you, elena!