and, as part of my "fuck the patriarchy" or maybe "fuck that old eating disordered self" or more likely "fuck YES i'm living my life FULLY!," i turned off my fitness tracking on my iphone. i even took a #nomakeupselfie of myself doing it as proof.
i turned it off the afternoon of jan 2. i had told myself to turn it off 100 times, and then finally set the date of jan 1 as a goal, saying to myself "it's ok to review your full year of exercise one more time."
of course i didn't need to do that. i've kept track of my exercise in one form or another since i was 10. did i really need to look at some evidence that i've beaten myself up and treated myself poorly ONE MORE TIME? no.
and actually i didn't look at it. i danced all day on jan 1. it wasn't until i did a customary mileage check tuesday afternoon that i realized i hadn't turned it off yet. and so, CLICK.
it felt HELLA scary to turn off the fitness tracking. "how will i know if i have run enough? how will i know if i have burned enough calories? isn't it just nice to know that i'm being healthy?" my eating disordered voice screamed excuses in the back of my mind as i calmly replied, "you don't need this to be happy. in fact, this is blocking your full expression of happiness."
(yes, i legit said those things to myself.) and, after i told myself that, i struggled to believe it. i kept thinking i would turn it back on. i didn't know how it would feel to be totally rid of any form of tracking. this action my phone had been taking on its own seemed safe; it wasn't something i was actively doing, so i had convinced myself it was an "ok" behavior.
but, realistically, i should have known how it would feel. because EVERY SINGLE TIME i shed an eating disordered behavior, i feel like i'm walking on air. i feel lighter. i feel happier. i feel my true inner self imprinting itself into the world around me; i become more unafraid.
since i turned off my fitness tracking yesterday: i left my phone at my desk while walking to the printer; i left my phone in my apartment while walking to the garbage room (yes these microscopic portions of my mileage were not to be left uncounted); i left my phone charging while doing a workout; i didn't feel the urge to check and re-check my mileage instead of focusing on other things;
and i felt like i could more fully disconnect from my phone. it lost its specialness, its attachment i had embedded somewhere between the battery and the phone shell.
AND, OH. MY. GOD. do you know how good that feels? how good i feel? i taught a yoga class this morning and i felt the freedom pouring out in my teaching. afterward, a regular student told me "i love your classes; they're so different than any other class i go to" and i felt my happiness bubble. i felt that confirmation of my truths in her words.
IMPRINT: my body can regulate itself; i can trust this amazing body my soul calls home.
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