Sunday, January 1, 2017

new year, ever-evolving us

i'll be honest: i hate new year's day.  i feel no need to make resolutions, and have written about my non-resolutions before, a few times in fact.  but even so, reading about everyone's resolutions--mainly about working out and food promises--can be a little triggering: last night i felt a craving to throw up; today i wanted to run 20 miles.  i didn't do either.  but i felt an underlying edge of crankiness to my personality.

meanwhile, so far this new year i've already spent several hours working through complicated relationship issues with a few people in my life:  2017 welcomed in with a bang.  and, once again, provoking for the remnants of my eating disorder.  which feels frustrating. 

today i began sorting through journals and notes from my past year of growth, looking for something inspiring to help me through my own emotional turbulence.  one year ago today i started working on a course in miracles.  i found some notes from the first exercise i had done last jan 1, which was to name each thing that i saw, and then state that it does not mean anything. 


"these flags do not mean anything."
"this mirror does not mean anything."
"this mannequin does not mean anything."
"this santa hat does not mean anything."
"this cat bed does not mean anything."

"this cat does not mean anything." was the first one that confused me; was i supposed to say this about living things also?  i wasn't sure.  i didn't dwell but i moved on.

"my bed does not mean anything" was the first hard one.  i had to correct myself to say "this bed does not mean anything."  and then i had to say it a few times.  i found myself thinking about the person who helped me buy the bed and get it home, and how i thought we were building something together when we did so.  all the people i had slept with in this bed, both friends and people i had dated.  the pain this bed had caused in bringing it to NYC.  after about six repetitions, i was able to move on.

"this hanging mobile does not mean anything." almost broke my heart for half a second.  this mobile i had made with adi one afternoon before leaving sydney.  i had to remind myself that the mobile was not her.  it was only something we had made together one day during big sisters club.

"this fan does not mean anything." (i had to go to an easy one next.)  "these shoes do not mean anything." i kept moving through things, struggling with some.  i got to "these walls do not mean anything." and paused.

it clicked.

these things do not mean anything.  none of them do, not even the cat.  we assign meanings to them.


merely reading the notes from this brought me out of a food/exercise oriented place and sat me firmly in a seat of emotional sorting.  i have done this exercise since then, and find it extremely helpful, but specifically at times of feeling sadness around a relationship.  relationships can get messy: stepping back from intense emotions, whether with a family member, friend, or romantic partner, helps me sort through what i am feeling and experiencing.

and so today, after reading that, i took to a practice of cord cutting, another practice that has helped me when i feel overly blah-blah-bah about my life. (yes, i'm aware that sentence was vague, but that's the best i could do just now.) cord cutting is a specific practice of severing energetic ties.  the act of seeing myself as unbound--from both positive and negative energies around me--gave me a bit more distance from "life" things and provided me with a much-needed sense of buoyancy. 

post-inspiration searching, meditating, and general aura-cleansing, i find that i'm left with a bit of a new year's resolution in spite of myself.  i re-resolve to be my best me: for both myself and those i care about.  exercising my heart muscle and nourishing my soul as my top priorities, with gratitude and love to all my support systems.

and all my best wishes for your health, and whatever resolutions you employ toward that end.


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