doing that was really hard for me. i had planned it over the past week: make sure i get in all the running and yoga i wanted to do in advance so i could start my year off with resting my body. maybe that was cheating; maybe i should've committed to taking a day off no matter what. cheating or not, it was still hard.
the reason it was hard was because it was breaking my routine--the same reason that starting an on-going exercise program is hard for a majority of people.
the call was an overdue catch-up that lasted until late afternoon. once it was over i needed another meal, and it was almost dark. i felt relieved in a way: this meant i wouldn't really need to try to invent more excuses for myself not to run. and as i got up to feed myself and cat, i thought, "today hasn't been so terrible; in fact, i feel happy."
i don't like making resolutions--i like trying to live healthfully, heartfully, and happily. if i made resolutions, one might include trying to live more like today.
--enter the point where i considered ending this blog post--
ok. there's another confession. there was something else i did in the past few days getting ready to take a day off. this wasn't an intentional plan. it was one that got subtly implanted by a friend and that the remnants of my eating disorder fed (ironically) quite rapidly.
i considered not writing about this; not even talking about it. and that is a sure sign that i needed to post it.
three nights ago a friend suggested we didn't need a whole dinner; we just needed a light snack. two nights ago we kind of slipped into that pattern together again. last night i chose to deepen the groove of the pattern by skipping dinner before going out to a NYE party.
i told PR i was going to skip dinner, and he fought me, but i rationalized i had had a late brunch and didn't feel hungry. afterward i had a lovely night--i didn't feel anxious about calories, and i didn't feel anxious about the new year's day off.
and then in the middle of the night, at 5am, lying in bed, i thought "oh. my. god. i skipped dinner three nights in a row. that is not healthy behavior."
i'm not a meal skipper. i've never been a meal skipper. this morning i was horrified to realize how quickly this had felt normal. i was also horrified to post about this; to have my parents potentially worry about me, to have my loved ones potentially worry about things they say to me over potential ramifications.
but i recognized it. i stopped the pattern. i told my closest friends about it for support. i put it here.
even deeply-ingrained patterns, eating disordered choices that have circled though my mind for years, can change. i know this. i live this. i choose this life.
so whatever choice you want to make today, and the next day, and the next day, is possible. it doesn't have to be a resolution. it doesn't have to even be a promise or a commitment. it's just a choice each time. and a little faith in yourself for trusting that inner self to know which choice is the right one.