*OUCH!!*

i'm not sure where i learned to hide all of my hurt from the person who hurt me, but i'm going to go on record as saying that it is a highly maladaptive response. i'm pretty sure i've always done this; i can't remember a time where i fully expressed to someone how much their actions hurt me.  don't get me wrong; i don't totally avoid the topic: i tell people when i'm hurt.  but i don't share to what extent i am hurt nor later communicate to them that i'm still hurting. i was doing what i thought was healthy: i thought i was processing my part of it.

but i wasn't. and it wasn't ok.

which is generally how i operate: do things that i think are working until they are SO NOT WORKING that i cannot continue existing if i do not address them.

so my world crumbled. which was partially my fault, because someone didn't know that they were continuing to hurt me so much. and then, after i was sitting in the rubble, i realized that not communicating the hurt i had been trying to process alone hadn't been working out for me.

with nothing to lose, i decided to tell this person about all of the hurt i had been harboring for so long. and, to be honest, i still don't really know how that landed.  but that isn't the important part of this story, because the future is not something i can control.

what is important is what happened to me after i fully expressed myself (even the things that i thought i would be judged for saying, even the things i thought were so utterly ridiculous to say out loud).  i don't want to exaggerate or anything, but EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE SHIFTED FOR THE BETTER.  it's been four days and the rewards are not yet diminishing.

i feel fully centered; i feel fully in my power.  i have since communicated other difficult things i had been avoiding; i sent emails and checked messages i hadn't wanted to deal with; i haven't gotten annoyed by people on the train; i have been able to be fully present without that hurt constantly running the background story of my mind; i have had several truly genuine and authentic connections with others.

and i had to think to myself: why on earth did i think i couldn't share this hurt with this person? what the hell did i think i was controlling? because, looking back over my adult life, i know that trying to control and protect myself from life's unwanted outcomes has never worked. and, post every earthquake, there is new space for something beautiful and unexpected to grow.

my divorce created room for me to heal from years of eating disorders, a rape created the space for me to abandon alcohol and the depression it fostered, and the continuing trauma of revenge porn has built resilience and given me the ability to stand up for others who are not able to do so for themselves.

so thank god i can't control the outcomes. and thank god i can learn and evolve and grow.  i'm here, watching new greenery sprouting through the cracked foundation, vowing to stay true to my full expression of myself.  the endless worries i had about what cascade of consequences would come after communicating my hurts seem silly now.

earlier tonight the following line was said on the new season of sex education: "you have to let the people you love know that you love them, even if it causes you a great deal of pain." and i heard, "you have to let the people who have caused you pain know that they have caused you pain, because that will allow you to really feel love." otherwise you're just pretending: at life and love.

kisses that wake princesses, glass slippers, and valentine's day

last night i took part in a life coaching call with a company i've done some work with in the past.  i really respect their methods and approach.  however, the call tonight was on love and relationships, in true february spirit, and let's just say i was not impressed with the advice espoused.

"you have the pussy; he should be chasing it! he's obviously not the one."
"he should be able to handle you talking about marriage on the first date if that's what you want. he must not be the one."
"just decide what you want now.  if it doesn't seem like he meets it, he's not the one."

um feminism.  um that's crazy.  um think outside of the box.  AND STOP SELLING THIS STORY OF "THE ONE."

selling a mythology that each person has one perfect person out there waiting for them is problematic in several ways:

1) it causes people to measure partners against unrealistic expectations.  no one is perfect: making sure that someone checks off every quality on a certain list is impossible.  holding someone up to this list, or expecting them to always behave in a way you expect is damaging for a relationship, but also constrictive on potential happiness.

i'll admit that i had a list.  i had a list i kept in my diary that was constantly revised through my college years, and i wouldn't date people that didn't meet every qualification.  one of the obvious problems here is that people change, so even if someone meets every checkbox when you meet, there's no guarantee that they will forever.  when i was only dating based on my list, i limited myself, but i also hurt relationships i was in.

my now ex-husband once asked me, while engaged, if i would still love him if he stopped running and put on weight.  i didn't answer for a while, and then said that i would prefer he kept running.  he looked at me, horrified, and said he would love me no matter what i looked like, no matter how much weight i gained over the next 70 years.  i often wonder whether he ever forgave me for that.

once our marriage ended, i started dating again.  outside of the university environment, i found that the types of people i was encountering were less likely to meet every single qualification i had set for a partner.  specifically, i felt that education was important, and i wasn't willing to date people that did not have college or advanced degrees.  but, eventually, i decided to ditch the list.  and, as it turns out, some of my most beloved relationships in the past few years have been with people that i would not have even gone on one date with in the past.

2) it causes people to stay in relationships out of fear.  thinking that there is this "one" person that is a "soulmate" creates a situation where, once in a relationship, we are fearful that there isn't someone that is a better match, and that we should stay with this current relationship that seems ok.  but, again, people change.  or new aspects of them are shown over time.

i was married.  i thought i would be married forever.  i didn't think divorce was even an option.

but i became miserable in my marriage.  and my husband did too.  i am so thankful that he had the courage and the love-based mentality to leave our marriage.  even though ending a relationship can be painful, staying in one because you think you should, or because you think "but this is THE ONE, right?" is not the answer.

3) it causes people to think that one person must meet their every need.  listen to me: no one person can meet every need you have, except yourself.

no other person can be your everything.  in any romantic relationship, expecting one person to shoulder all of your burdens, to respond to your every desire, to anticipate your every need, sets up a cycle of unhealthy dependence.  social networks (both offline and online) are there for your support: family, friends, and colleagues can serve in these roles.  all too often people abandon the use of their networks once in a long-term monogamous relationship, expecting their partner to be their "be all end all."

i've done it.  i've gotten into relationships where, sure, i still hung out with friends, but i didn't go to them with problems.  i stopped the more regular everyday interactions with them and relied on casual social drinks to keep the sense of friendship alive.  but imagine fostering those relationships simultaneously!  yes, it's more effort, but building networks around ourselves is so valuable.

i date and love more than one person at a time; i keep my network full of people who support me and care about me.  but the relationship model isn't what is important: it's that you're constantly honest with yourself and your partner.

i challenge everyone to let go of the myth of "the one," whether you consider yourself to be with that person or not. be with a person you love for who they are each day.  if you're single, look outside of your pre-defined qualifications and explore what else might be possible.

and, partnered or not, surround yourself with love, however it shows up in your life.

jane fonda and me

i was obsessed with jane fonda when i was little.  my mother used to do her workout video at home, and my sister and i loved getting involved.  especially since it involved costumes: mama let us borrow leg warmers!  shayna and i would do the workout with my mom, and we felt very grown-up.

the movie 9-5 cemented my obsession with jane.  i watched 9-5 so many times when i was young that it became part of who i am: i have been know to force someone i'm dating to watch the movie so that they can understand WHO I AM.

but it wasn't until jane fonda published her memoir that i learned more about her. jane struggled with bulimia a lot of her life, and there is one quote in her memoir that really hit home.  she said that she found herself engaging with her eating disorder when she was being inauthentic in her relationships.  here's a piece of a longer quote from a recent interview she did:

...Eating disorders don’t represent a lust for food. It represents a loss of authentic self. It’s when there’s something about our lives and our relationship to ourselves and others around us that is inauthentic. And we’re trying to fill an emptiness. That’s what I think it’s really about. It’s a spiritual and emotional hole that we’re trying to fill with food...  If girls are in inauthentic relationships, they are more apt to have eating disorders... They need to receive help, of a very specific kind. 

the first time i read the line about being inauthentic in relationships, it immediately resonated with me.  i knew that it was true for me as well.  i use bulimia as a coping mechanism for a number of things: stress, anxiety, and depression are common triggers.  but there's also the old "wanting to avoid a hard conversation" with someone trigger.

until this weekend i think i had only binged and purged once since moving to NYC.  i've been doing well on letting go of disordered eating patterns as well.  but this past saturday i chose to binge and purge.

i beat myself up about it afterward and tried to identify why i chose this coping mechanism over a healthy one.  i scrolled through everything in my life right now and ding-ding-ding found one of the usual suspects: i've been avoiding a hard conversation with a friend and have cancelled spending time with him in an effort to further deflect the talk.  inauthenticity in a relationship.  ah, yes.

i strongly considered not telling anyone, including my best friends and my blogosphere.  but not wanting to admit something is the hallmark of my need to.  and so i discussed it with coral sunday afternoon.  she told me that she would never judge me for anything that i do, and i felt the warm loving comfort of her authenticity.

so, reminder to self: stop being inauthentic! but also get over yourself and shake it off.  like jane fonda would do.