Friday, June 27, 2014

great expectations

right now i'm on a flight from LAX to NYC. i have no internet. so i'm watching movies on this little screen in front of me. and making notes to myself in my phone.

while making a post-flight to-do list, i found a note saved in my phone called "great things." it hadn't been edited since late february, and i had forgotten about it completely.

i started keeping the "great things" list when i was feeling especially hopeless in mid-january. on this particular morning in mid-january, i remember that i had woken up to a post on facebook of a motivational quote saying "expect that something great is going to happen today." that post gave me hope. so i decided to expect great things for that day.

that night i wrote down all the great things that had happened that day.

"great things that happened to me today: Cosmo wants to interview me. sold my marriage bed i hate. had great yoga sesh. got to watch honey boo boo without judgement. gave toffee to cute old mechanic man that got my sunglasses back and he hugged me."

i remember that day. i remember waking up in tears. i remember crying when the mechanic hugged me. i remember crying while selling my bed frame. it was a hard day. in a string of hard days.

but i managed to focus on the great things.

for 33 days I kept this list. and i remember going back and reading previous days' great things to keep myself going. some of the days there were lots of things; some of the days only one or two. some of the things are grand; some of them are little.

some of my favorites, in no particular order:
girl i don't know in yoga put her hand on me when i was crying.
matt facetimed me to check on me; dennis messaged and checked in on me.
BFF dinner at wagaya.
kitty got a 457 promised to her!
swimming with lydia.
i can recognize gratitude in my day.
anthony was back for train club.
girl in acro yoga said that my yoga touch I gave her at the end of class was heaven.
blackmilk batman cape suit arrived!
i can forgive myself.

there were tons of great things. and reading them made me cry.

i actually felt quite a mix of emotions while reading them: i felt grateful for all the great things; i felt sad remembering how hopeless i was feeling during that time; i felt blessed reading about the things my friends did for me; i felt amazed at my strength.

i don't remember what exactly stopped the list; i think that i was doing gabby's 40 days and got really caught up in journaling and was really focusing on that. or maybe i was just feeling more hopeful and didn't need to rely on the list anymore.

but i think i'm going back to keeping it. gratitude is so powerful. and so healing. my list is all the evidence of that i need.

while writing this blog, i was half listening to a recording of arj barker's comedy show "heavy." he says that hearing someone say the common australian phrase "no worries" is "comforting. and gregarious. and sincere. and exceedingly unrealistic. and slightly insensitive, actually, given the state if the world today." he suggests that "some worries" would be more appropriate.

this cracked me up. but it also felt super appropriate. yeah, i have some worries. but i also have lots of great things happening. every day.

great things so far today:
having an amazing BFF take me to the airport.
no line at check-in.
friendly old man chatting to me in line for coffee.
coffee. American coffee.
free wifi at LAX. #wifiismycrack
my favorite pretzels right by my gate.
nice girls next to me for my long-ass flight.

and all i've done today is go to the airport and sit on a plane. think of how many more great things might happen once i meet my parents in NYC tonight!

who knows: maybe it'll be a home alone 2 disaster. maybe we will lose my dad at macy's (again). "some worries."

but me? i'm expecting great things. and miracles.

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