confessions

i've avoided dealing with difficult things for a majority of my adult life. so secrets have been a huge part of my life: sometimes i hide feelings; sometimes i hide opinions; sometimes i hide vulnerabilities.

but secrets cause schisms. sometimes you don't even know the schism is a result of the secret: for years my mom was driving me a little crazy. or maybe a lot crazy. but she didn't have the same effect on my sister, and i couldn't understand it. i didn't know what was causing this disruption.

then, earlier this year, when i finally told my mom about bulimia, after hiding it from her for eight years, our relationship seemed to immediately change. i didn't react so quickly to everything she said. i didn't take offence to every question she asked.

could it really all have been because i stopped hiding that secret? umm, yeah. i think so.

example 2: i didn't tell my husband when i kissed someone on a conference trip years ago. (schism created.) months later he said to me: it seems like you've been different since that trip; did something happen? that was my second chance, but i still didn't confess. (schism deepened.)

now i can't say for sure that this incident was a causal agent in the decline of our marriage, but i can guess that things like this were.

mainly my overall avoidance of being uncomfortable has contributed to keeping me from ever feeling fully comfortable. and i mean in most every relationship in my life.

so my big confession here, for everyone in my life: i am sorry for every time i hid things from you. i'm sorry for not being present enough in myself to be present in our relationships.

every time i tell a little lie ("sorry, class, the grades are late because of a bug in the system!"), i'm putting more armour up. i'm blocking the light.

but i want to change. i want to live in integrity, live honestly, and consistently choose love. and i want you to call me on it when you see me avoiding or hiding in the shadows.

kelli plays this song in class a lot: breathe me.
"Help, I have done it again/
I have been here many times before/
Hurt myself again today/
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

yup. so. now. new plan.

recognize the shadow.
crack open.
let the light in.
watch the shadow dissipate.
live in light.
live in love.