the person i was talking to wanted to know when the last time i had thrown up was, and i said that throwing up was only a small piece of my eating disorder; my eating disorder has multiple layers to it. the most recent layer i've pulled back was calorie-counting, and that was no small feat. i also mentioned that relaxing my strictness around exercise was (probably) the last layer i needed to work on... and that i didn't know that i wanted/needed to work on it.
is it so bad that i work out every day? that i prioritize it? that i have to run before i leave for work for the day? that i feel like i need to workout to deserve the food i eat?
later that night, i thought more about what i had said, and reflected on earlier layers of my eating disorder that i've since discarded. things i used to think were "fine" include: calorie counting; recording all my food and exercise; constant excessive exercise; minimal binge/purge sessions; binging but just exercising off the calories (instead of throwing up); and extreme calorie restriction. because all of those things weren't as bad as binging and purging every day (or several times a day).
each time i shed a layer of the eating disorder, i am more accepting of the layer under it, thinking that i can live with this lesser version of my eating disorder.
that night, as i thought about what i had said, i remembered a few days before when i accepted an invitation to help a friend with her kids on a road trip this weekend. my only bartering chip had been to ask for time to run/yoga each morning. and i thought, "why did i have to say that? was that what was really most important to me?"
because i'm scared that sometimes exercise is the most important thing to me, here i am, saying that i don't want it to dictate my life.
i don't want to stop exercising regularly; i want to live a healthy life that involves regular exercise but that doesn't revolve around it, so i brainstormed with my art therapist about what a good action step would be. she said that i should "listen to my body, and workout when i needed to."
i couldn't help it; i laughed out loud when she said that. i was laughing hysterically, thinking, "that would never work!" but, as i was laughing, i realized that when people used to say that i should listen to my body, and eat when i was hungry, i had also laughed, thinking that was impossible.
but now that's what i do.
i used to ignore my body's cues around food, hit the "control" button and override what it was telling me. and now, i eat when i'm hungry. i eat what i think my body needs.therefore, i know that this new hurdle is also surmountable. so i committed: i would listen to my body about when it needed activity instead of setting rules around what must happen.
this weekend, that's what i did. not only did i chill the fuck out, but i didn't force myself to restrict sleep and get up super early for workout time; i didn't demand time to exercise; i didn't freak out about getting "enough" working out in; i wasn't thinking about my workout while spending time with the girls.
oh. and i felt great.
***everything is possible***
