sydney to NYC//turtle

last year at this time was one of the most stressful, scary, sad, and... exciting times in my life.  jan 9th the movers came; jan 10-11th were the going away parties for roxie and i; the 12-14th were finish EVERYthing up days; and jan 15 matt boarded a plane with roxie and i to fly to LA. i took a few days in LA to decompress and see besties there (holla, laurel/LYDIA!). and then, on jan 20th, roxie and i flew to NYC and met anthony's welcoming arms.

two weeks ago my dean at the school of public health asked me if i thought i made the right decision in accepting the job here in NYC.  i didn't really think too much about it when he asked; i just replied with how happy i was working for him, which is true.  but that transition has been hellish at times.  and i definitely didn't take the decision-making process lightly.  one year on, i can hardly believe that i'm here, on the other side of the transition.

the main thing i know is that i definitely have two homes.  i still feel at home in sydney, even though i'm not there.  i feel at home here, and laugh at myself when i think about how scared i was of NYC.  but i don't feel so much like i have one foot on each continent any more.  i feel settled here.  i feel like i know the groove of work, the yoga peeps, how to navigate the commutes (except when i trip and fall on my face), and where to go for the best bagels or brunch.  it's comforting to know i can be at my parents' house after only a few short hours on amtrak; it's heartwarming to know i've already spent time with my new nephew three times since his birth less than 10 months ago.

as someone who has spent her entire childhood moving, i know what it's like to have to pack up.  feeling at home in a certain community or city is something that is less familiar to me.  sydney was the first place i really remember feeling that, and i think it's kind of like letting go of a first love to admit that i feel at home here now.  it took me about six years to fully let go of my first love, and that relationship was less than a year.  so i don't expect to be able to let go of the heartbreak of loving another city just yet.

last night adi asked me why i was so upset about a fight with a friend.  i thought for a moment, and came up with two reasons: i don't like giving up on people; and i've spent my life losing friends--i'm not interested in losing more.  i was kind of shocked when i heard myself say it, but i know it's true.  i've left behind more best friends than most people have in their entire lives.  writing hand-written letters as a child was hard to keep up with.  i would always do it for a few months and then eventually lose contact.  sure, online social networks have helped me reconnect with some, but it's not the same as having a continuous long-term friendship.

i know i'm also lucky; i can visit friends in most states and continents.  but i think this is also why leaving sydney was the hardest.  i had been there so long that i felt at home in the city and in my friendships.  i know that i haven't "lost" sydney, or the friendships there.  but they change. and this girl that was so used to moving away didn't want to have to be used to it anymore.


but after the last 8 years, i'm now used to something else: making my home through non-traditional methods.  my friends and family that i hold in my heart are there most often through Facebook, Instagram, Skype, email, texts, Twitter, FaceTime, Snapchat, Tumblr, WhatsApp, shared photo clouds, etc.

and so i'm home here now.  my virtual home surrounds me and all of my best friends live in my heart; regardless of their physical location.  just call me a turtle: i'm carrying it all with me, it all constantly swirls in and around me, and that is how i feel at home.

so to everyone who keeps asking how i feel here: home, i feel home.  if you're not here physically, i am excited to be in the same place as you soon.  if you are here, thank you for helping make this my home.

committing. #sydneytoNYC

i haven't been getting excited. i've been freaking out. and mish got super pissed at me on my last full day in sydney because of that. she said SPRING! SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID APARTMENT! WHO CARES? YOU'RE GOING TO NEW YORK!!!

and i tried to get excited. i really did. but i had so much anxiety about the move (which i felt, in my stomach, every single day) that it was hard.

i was in a yoga class mid-move: those few days in LA between sydney and NYC were much needed down time. the teacher told us about how her six-year-old did the splits on the escalator that day. her advice to her daughter: "you have to commit; you can't be in two places at once!"


and that's when i realized what i needed to do: commit to NYC. sure. i did all the things. allll the things to get myself moved. but i didn't actually commit to NYC. so, right there in the yoga class, i decided to do it. i told NYC: i'm yours. totally yours. i breathed through each pose and smiled from the inside out. i repeated in my head over and over: "i commit to NYC."

by the end of the class i felt strong. happy. centered. ready.

there's a real lesson there: as soon as i committed, the anxiety disappeared. i filled my heart with love and it squashed the fear. it edged it right out.

and i'm going. RIGHT NOW. i'm in the air mid-way from LA to NYC: the last part of the move. i'm not even scared.

the only way i could have gotten to this place was through those friends that went so beyond the call of duty that i can't even begin to think of how i can thank them.

(hayden: thank you for helping with the boxes and computer. bal and chuck: thank you for stealing my stuff. matt: thank you for alllll the shit. and to all my besties who have supported me through millions of texts, chats, and company: thank you.)

so what's next? well, i run into anthony's arms at JFK. and then? who knows. anything can happen.

anything happens all the time.

i'm a New Yorker.