lies: little, white, and not-so-little, not-so-white

adi climbs in all kinds of boxes!

my 4-year-old best friend adi got into a cardboard box last time i was visiting with her. she wanted to play jack-in-the-box and then asked me to close her inside the box. as soon as i began to fold down the second two flaps, she squealed, "maybe this isn't a good idea; I can't breathe!" it was kind of cute; it was kind of hilarious.


and that's kind of what i felt like today: a little trapped, a little suffocated, a little scared... and a little like i brought this all on myself... and i just wanted someone to open the box right back up for me.


sometimes i lie to myself. the one i tell myself most often is: "i don't know why i'm feeling like this!!"

i do. i always do. i just sometimes don't want to admit it.

i told my mom about my eating disorder a little over a year ago. i hadn't told my dad yet, but i didn't feel anxious about that. i reasoned that mom was the "hard" one to tell--she is the dietitian and tends to take things personally. last week i told my dad. it was one of the hardest conversations in recent memory. and then i felt very "weird" for a few days. i tried to deny the emotions that were all still bubbling. i tried to pretend i felt the same as always. but i finally called a friend and talked about some of the emotions i was feeling.

i lied to a friend this weekend. in protection, of course, but a lie all the same. the last few days i've been obsessed with exercise. and i made myself throw up--just a tiny bit--last night. today i kept thinking "why on earth is my eating disorder voice screaming at me? why do i feel so crazy?" but i denied the knowing.

i texted a friend in australia a casual question this evening and he immediately said "are you ok?" i was like "yeah, of course." but a few hours later i replied that i wasn't--and how on earth could he tell from that one question?

apparently my behavior admits things before i do. while i was with my husband, i once kissed another man while out of the country. when i came back from the trip, i apparently acted differently... FOR NINE MONTHS. because nine months later he screamed in frustration "what the hell happened on that trip?!"

oh. i'm not a good liar.

i've also felt this behavior admitting something to my world before i'm ready to admit it. but i'm still really fucking good at ignoring it. today, when i was feeling very very guilty about the purges i've been engaging in, i finally faced the source and decided to take action and un-do the lie. i'm about to untie the knot--both the one in my stomach and the one between my friend and i--and i'm scared as fuck. i don't know how he'll respond; i don't know how he'll react. but i'm finally ready.

i read this in a morning email i received the other day:

My friend is really into this man. But last night she got a text from him that he isn't really feeling the spark between them. She was crushed.

I sat with her for a while. We cried and grieved and got angry and felt sad. Toward the end of the night I said, "I know this is so painful right now, but what if rejection is God's protection?"

What if exactly the right thing is happening right now? I know you want HIM, but he is clearly not your man right now. What if he is keeping you available for a love that is moments from surprising you?

When was the last time you felt rejected?

Can you see now that the rejection that once hurt was probably the best thing to have happened? How did it redirect your path?

Like water in a river, when it hits a rock, it doesn't stop. It doesn't complain that the rock is in its way. The water sees the rock as a redirection of its path and simply keeps flowing.

When we have perspective, we can see that we were being guided by the rejection. But when we are in the middle of it, it just plain hurts.

all types of rejection hurt. whether it is real, perceived, or even anticipated. but, just like ryan says, there's always another way to look at it. and today, with all things, i'm choosing the light. because light is everything.

confessions

i've avoided dealing with difficult things for a majority of my adult life. so secrets have been a huge part of my life: sometimes i hide feelings; sometimes i hide opinions; sometimes i hide vulnerabilities.

but secrets cause schisms. sometimes you don't even know the schism is a result of the secret: for years my mom was driving me a little crazy. or maybe a lot crazy. but she didn't have the same effect on my sister, and i couldn't understand it. i didn't know what was causing this disruption.

then, earlier this year, when i finally told my mom about bulimia, after hiding it from her for eight years, our relationship seemed to immediately change. i didn't react so quickly to everything she said. i didn't take offence to every question she asked.

could it really all have been because i stopped hiding that secret? umm, yeah. i think so.

example 2: i didn't tell my husband when i kissed someone on a conference trip years ago. (schism created.) months later he said to me: it seems like you've been different since that trip; did something happen? that was my second chance, but i still didn't confess. (schism deepened.)

now i can't say for sure that this incident was a causal agent in the decline of our marriage, but i can guess that things like this were.

mainly my overall avoidance of being uncomfortable has contributed to keeping me from ever feeling fully comfortable. and i mean in most every relationship in my life.

so my big confession here, for everyone in my life: i am sorry for every time i hid things from you. i'm sorry for not being present enough in myself to be present in our relationships.

every time i tell a little lie ("sorry, class, the grades are late because of a bug in the system!"), i'm putting more armour up. i'm blocking the light.

but i want to change. i want to live in integrity, live honestly, and consistently choose love. and i want you to call me on it when you see me avoiding or hiding in the shadows.

kelli plays this song in class a lot: breathe me.
"Help, I have done it again/
I have been here many times before/
Hurt myself again today/
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

yup. so. now. new plan.

recognize the shadow.
crack open.
let the light in.
watch the shadow dissipate.
live in light.
live in love.