slooooooooower

i'm sick today. i don't know what it is: some allergy, me running myself into the ground, or the fact that i forgot to get a flu shot this year (shhhh, julie, I KNOW!).

so i spent a majority of the day in bed. mostly snapchatting a few of my bff and texting kitty about... you know, things.

while lying there i received an email titled "are we ever really prepared?" by patty kikos. funny you should ask me that, patty, because i'm lying here thinking "umm, i have other things i need to be doing!"

but, guess what, the universe had other plans for me today. and i am pretty sure that the universe tends to give us what we need. the universe thinks i need to slow the fuck down? well: the universe will make my muscles achy and me tired and feverish. and then? i won't move an inch from the bed, even for that glass of water i'm dying for. (not for seven hours until my laptop dies anyway.)

oddly enough, as i texted and chatted with friends over the course of the day and night, i think all of them said to me "maybe you've been doing too much." yeah. maybe. but i like to be busy, so it's hard for me to take space to slow down sometimes.

it's funny how sometimes you can't hear these universal messages unless they're a bit heavy-handed. while i've been much better at listening to my intuition lately, i still need to be hit over the head occasionally. and i think that has also happened a lot recently. either that, or when i realize something, i REALLY realize it. which can feel like a clubbing.

and that's what today felt like. so i slowed down. wayyyyyy down. mostly i let my mind wander slowly around. being silly a little with kitty: "you're funny when you're sick!", making up diagnoses for myself: "i am a doctor after all" (you're welcome O), or just thinking about my little piece of the world.

one thing i thought about: how much i love my friends. as soon as i found a cover for the yoga class i was supposed to teach tonight, i posted to my students that i wouldn't be there. i got a few messages right away wishing me well ...and one from SP telling me to chain myself to my bed and do some "sexy soup eating." umm, i did say i snapchatted all afternoon, but let me be clear that it was not of that. (that would have involved me moving more than a few inches!)

i talked to some friends on this continent, and some on my "other" continent. i even got to talk to a friend who hadn't been in touch in a while. which felt like another "here's the universe giving you what you need today" moment. (one that did NOT feel like a clubbing!) when she offered to bring me things i might need tomorrow if i was still feeling sick, i felt this wash of "OMG i'M SO LUCKY."

my friends are amazing. all of them. ones that i speak to rarely, and ones that i speak to every day. ones that i have known for years, and ones that i've recently met. ones that i know through work, and ones that i know through coffee shops (yes you, MR... but i still owe you a "proper" shout out for all of your amazing life advice EVERY DAY!).

one of my most amazing friends is going through some major life changes right now. she left her life and husband behind today to go to the US for 7 months for an amazing PhD-training-related opportunity. and she also has some major family stuff going on. which means she is one of THE BRAVEST. MOST COURAGEOUS. MOST FEARLESS. women i know.

i know i cry a lot. but i've sobbed all three times i hung out with her this week. and every time i walked past her house (which is a block from mine, so that equals: A LOT OF TIMES). ...and every time i thought about her going away (which was way more than the number of times i walked past her house). i'm so proud of her, and so glad for her opportunities both professionally and personally with her family. and that's why i'm going to miss her so much. (no, not because she could've brought me popsicles today.)

...i'll miss her support. her ever-present energy. her love. her FEARLESS love that anyone can see shining out of her.

and so all of this comes full circle, yet again: lydia, you've got this. the universe is there for you. and the universe is there for me. and, with its backup, i'm there for you.

so much gratitude to y'all. and to the universe.

endings/beginnings/circles

i sobbed for about 100% of the 15 minute savasana in yoga tonight: this flash of something my friend anthony said to me about 8 months ago popped into my head. and then all of these memories came flooding in: anthony insisting on phone numbers for every one of my million dates per week; anthony spying on me while on dates, checking up on me; anthony checking in on me when i felt depressed; anthony making me come over when i insisted i couldn't get out of pajamas.

never mind anthony creating and then having train club with me several times a week, distracting me via funny snapchats across the table at work meetings, covering for me when i needed a mental health day (or had a date at the beach).

more than anyone, anthony has been there for me consistently since my husband left almost two years ago. anthony has been that strong, centered, consistent, and reasonable (yet ridiculous) voice that i've listened to when i refused to listen to anyone.

ever have something bad happen and ALL you want to do is prove that you're ok? i don't think i really knew it, but that was me. i tried to prove i was ok after my husband left in about 100 ways: oh, i'll just date all the time; oh, i'll live by myself and make it on my own; oh, i'll be super tough and independent and not lean on anyone.

oh, wait. maybe i don't have to.

anthony stepped in when i didn't know i needed it, and he has been one of the best supports, colleagues, and friends that i could've asked for.

and, this weekend, he moves back to the US.

i'm heartbroken. i am actually heartbroken. i am more heartbroken that when my husband left. anthony helped me and he helped me help myself become whole again. and thinking about him leaving is something i've avoided. HARD CORE.

when anthony practiced his leaving speech for our boss, when anthony discussed plans to get his dog tillie home, when anthony talked about plans for his new apartment: i put my fingers in my ears and say "i don't want to talk about this."

but that hasn't changed anything. he's still leaving. he's going on to a great job at a great university and a great new life.

and i know that i'll still be part of it. but i'm still sooo soooo soooooo sad.

so it hit me tonight. and it hit hard.

and it has me thinking about beginnings: starting a new life after a friend or partner leaves, starting a new job, moving to a new country, or just trying a new yoga class.

and about endings: relationship ending, leaving a job, leaving a home, letting go of something that hasn't been serving you.

beginnings aren't always rosy. they're not always easy. and endings aren't always sad or difficult. but you know what both beginnings and endings always are? the same: it's all the same circle. it's all just life.

and i'm super grateful for this life. and grateful for all the amazingness that i've found along the way, including my amazing relationships with friends and partners.

and, anthony, i'll miss you most of all. (yeah, that's an OZ reference. super appropriate leaving AUS and all... but umm, no comment on the brain thing... ;) xx tony